As Far As True Love Goes
by IfEverythingWasEverything
Summary: Santana and Brittany are living together a few years after high school, there's tension and tragic drama, Santana thinks Brittany is betraying their love. When the accident happens Santana has to embark on a long and emotional journey, where she finds Quinn is the only person who seems to understand.
1. Chapter 1

**PROLOUGE**

**A WEEK EARILER**

Santana's dark eyes fluttered open as the soft morning light fell through the window onto her face. She stretched out in her bed, still dazed from her dreams that lingered in the back of her head but too far away for her to remember exactly what they had been about.

She rolled over to find her gorgeous blonde still soundly asleep next to her. Santana couldn't help but smile at the perfect sight that Brittany was when she was sleeping. Her long sunshine blonde waves fell messily across her face, her lips were perfect and pink and her hand was fallen on the pillow next to her head. Santana propped herself up on her elbow and gazed at Brittany.

_Oh those lips_ Santana thought the memory of their soft touch against her made her skin tingle. She slowly slid her hand across the pillow to where Brittany's was resting; she moved her fingers onto Brittany's palm and edged them up until their fingers were laced together. Brittany's hand suddenly gave Santana's a light squeeze and the blonde stirred sleepily next to her before opening her eyes.

"Hi" Santana said quietly looking straight into Brittany's ocean blue eyes, her heart fluttering the way it always did around her.

Brittany glanced at their intertwined fingers then back at Santana and smiled.

"That was a perfect way to wake up" she said and Santana bit on her bottom lip

"I didn't mean to wake you" she said and ran her thumb over Brittany's

"Its fine San" she said not moving her eyes off Santana's rich brown gaze "waking up and seeing your face is far better than being asleep anyway"

Without thought Santana automatically moved closer to Britt, laying on top of her and lightly kissing her lips, the warmth of Brittany's body underneath her made her heart race.

"Mm you're so sexy in the morning" Brittany mumbled and wrapped her arms around Santana, who caught Brittany's lip between her teeth and smirked at her cutely.

"I love you" she said after letting it go.

"I love you too, beautiful" Brittany said and kissed Santana's nose watching her scrunch her face adorably "You know what day it is right?" she asked and Santana smiled

"It's Sunday" she replied

"And that means…" Brittany started but Santana finished for her before she could get the words out

"We stay in bed all day" Brittany nodded and Santana brushed the stray strands of blonde hair out of her face.

"You're perfect" Santana said almost sighing, Brittany let out a tiny giggle and rolled her eyes.

"If anyone's perfect here it's you" she said and ran her hands down Santana's back "are you hungry?"

Santana gave a small shrug "I am, but I don't want to move, like ever"

"What if you need to pee?" Brittany gave her a cheeky look and it was Santana's turn to roll her eyes.

"Shut up" she said leaning closer to Brittany so their lips were almost touching.

Brittany looked up at Santana with a cheeky grin, her blue eyes sparkled.

"You know whenever you try and tease me it fails" she said still smiling "you just end up giving in" she paused "You can't resist me"

Santana lifted an eyebrow at her then pulled away suddenly.

"Fine" she said and moved to the edge of the bed laying on her back looking up at the ceiling "we'll just see about that"

Brittany laughed and rolled over so she was right beside Santana again. She grinned at the gorgeous raven haired girl that was lying stubbornly beside her; she leaned down and kissed Santana's cheek softly.

"You really don't need to do this" she said but Santana refused to look at her, she tried her hardest to keep her eyes on the ceiling.

"Santana" Brittany drew her name out before kissing down Santana's jaw, then slowly down to her neck. Santana's lips parted as she sucked in a breath, struggling to keep herself from looking at Brittany. She could almost sense a smirk growing on Brittany's face.

The blonde stopped in contemplation for a moment before readjusting her position; she climbed on top of Santana with one leg each side of her and leaned down, her face inches from Santana's.

"You have to look at me now" Brittany said the cheeky grin still plastered to her face "you have to!"

Santana shook her head biting her lip; she quickly shut her eyes, not wanting to give up just yet. Brittany exhaled loudly before taking Santana's hands and pinning them up beside her head.

"Have it your way" she said before resuming where she was before and kissing down Santana's neck, gently sucking on her pulse point. She could almost feel Santana's heartbeat quickening underneath her as she moved towards her collarbone and placed small kisses along it.

"Baby…" she said but Santana just shook her head, her eyes still shut she refused to give in.

"So stubborn" Brittany giggled and went back to kissing Santana's neck. She waited a few seconds before grinding down on her, a moan suddenly tumbled from Santana's lips and her hips lifted a little, her eyes opened and she looked at Brittany pouting.

"That is so unfair" she said her cheeks had flushed a light pink and her breathing was a little faster than normal.

Brittany smiled and placed a kiss on Santana's lips "I'm just going to say you won, okay, cos you did an exceptional job at resisting _and_ I know you're a sour loser so…" Santana smirked and watched her.

"As the winner, what would you like as your prize?" Brittany said already knowing the answer.

"I want you" Santana said without hesitation "and I want you to keep going"

Brittany smiled leaning back down "I think that can be arranged" she said before pressing her lips against Santana's and kissing her deeply.


	2. Chapter 2

The street was lit with a silvery glow, dark shadows were stretching in every direction, if the moon went behind a cloud it would be complete darkness. The wind blew an icy chill over Santana as she walked down the street by herself; cursing under her breath she shivered and picked her pace up, the night air was cool for this time in fall. She knew she should of accepted Brittany's offer to come and pick her up, but she didn't want her to have to leave the house in the middle of the night, she also knew Brittany had been feeling under the weather lately but didn't want to show it.

Santana pulled out her phone and glanced at the time 1.36am. The long nights club were starting to get weary, a yawn slipped out of her mouth as she struggled to stay alert. Tugging her coat around her tighter, she turned off the deserted main road; the thought of her gorgeous blonde girlfriend at home in a warm bed pushed her to walk faster.

The sudden deep rumble of an engine made Santana almost immediately spin around, a black car with tinted windows crawled along the road beside her. Her brow furrowed as she briskly tried to move faster than the car, but the car only sped up to match her pace. The window next to her rolled down revealing two guys in their mid twenties, one had a cigar, the other had a beer can.

"hey honey" the guy with the cigar said, reaching out the window in attempt to touch her.

Santana swiftly moved away and kept looking forward.

"Need a ride home?" he continued as the car moved along beside her.

She remained silent, this situation was nothing she hadn't been through before, she was raised in Lima Heights after all, a few more moments of silence and they'd drive off in frustration, engaging in their conversation would only keep them around longer, and Santana just wanted to get home.

"Come on babe, what did we ever do to you?" the other guy said leaning over his friend, looking out the window at her.

Santana resisted the strong urge to say anything. Suddenly the car door opened and the guy with the cigar jumped out, dropping the cigar and stumbling over to her laughing.

_Fuck_ she thought and kept distancing herself from him, he quickly caught up to her and reached out grabbing her hand, she tried to tug it back, but he tightened his grip. With one quick movement he pulled her into him and wrapped his arms around her. The car stopped, his friend getting out of the car, Santana wriggled in his arms, but for once she wasn't strong enough to break out of his grip. He maneuvered her towards the car and pressed her against it.

"What do you want" she growled, as his hands fumbled to undo the buttons of her jacket.

"You know what we want" the beer can guy smirked leaning against the car.

She tried to drown out the tiny bit of fear that was growing inside her stomach, her heart raced as she quickly contemplated all her options. Before she knew it her hand was connecting with the guys face, sending him stumbling backwards and she was suddenly running down the road. She didn't stop until she was at outside her door in the apartment block Brittany and she lived in.

She burst through the door and slammed it shut behind her leaning back against it while she pulled off her coat.

"Britt?" she called out realizing the lights were on which meant Brittany was still awake, she crept through the apartment and then poked her head around the bedroom door and saw Brittany in bed, watching cartoons, eating a bowl of cornflakes.

Santana couldn't help but smile at the adorable sight that was her girlfriend, almost completely forgetting about what had happened on her way home.

"Why are you still awake B?" she said crawling up onto the bed and pecking the blondes cheek.

"I was waiting for you" Brittany smiled cutely, placing her bowl down and reaching for the remote, flicking the TV off.

Santana looked at the cornflakes and laughed a little.

"Someone's having an early breakfast"

Brittany shrugged a little, like it was completely normal, and looked at Santana, biting her lip.

"How was work?" she asked pulling back the covers for Santana to come in with her.

Santana quickly accepted the silent offer and slid under the blankets curling into Britt's warm body.

"It was just the same as it always is" Santana sighed happily, finally where she wanted to be after a long night. "I performed for a bunch of drunken people"

Brittany laughed quietly, but her laugh was interrupted by a chesty cough, which immediately made Santana frown.

"Babe are you feeling okay?" she said sitting back and looking at her girlfriend concerned

Brittany nodded "I'm fine, seriously, don't look at me like that"

Santana sighed watching Brittany closely for a moment.

"So some guys stopped me on my way home" she chewed her lip, looking at Brittany with big eyes.

"What did they want" Brittany tilted her head a worried look briefly crossing her face.

Santana was silent for a moment "sex, Britt"

Brittany sighed loudly and deep line creased her forehead

"Isn't that my job?" Santana looked down and smiled, biting back a laugh.

"Yes, it is, that's why I punched one of them in the face and hurried home"

"You didn't need to hit them San" Brittany leaned dangerously close "are you okay though?" she gently brushed a stray strand of Santana's hair out of her face.

Santana nodded, then gently pushed Brittany down onto the pillows and brushed her lips against hers.

"I love you" she whispered and kissed her softly, when Brittany didn't kiss her back she frowned and opened her eyes.

"Everything okay?"

Brittany looked at her with a strange unfamiliar look in her eyes.

"I have to tell you something" she said and sat up pushing Santana back. Santana's mind started racing with possibilities.

"Alex came over, while you were at work" she said and bit her lip

"Alex?" Santana lifted an eyebrow "the other dance instructor?"

Brittany gave a small nod and tried to put a reassuring hand on Santana's arm, but she was quick to shrug it off, wanting to know the whole story.

"Why?" Santana said with a bit more force in her voice than she intended.

"He wanted to go over a new routine" she answered, feeling Santana's dark eyes fixated on her.

"Is that all?" Santana said, she hated Alex, he had been after Brittany for about 2 years now, and Brittany was too naive to notice. He didn't seem to think Santana's relationship with Brittany was anything serious, and he continued to blatantly hit on her.

Brittany chewed on her bottom lip nervously and looked away, not being able to meet Santana's eyes.

Santana didn't need to here anymore to know that something happened between them. She quickly moved to the end of the bed and ran a hand through her hair in frustration.

"Brittany if you like him so much then just tell me" she said bluntly.

"Santana, don't" Brittany said in that tone that always made Santana want to forgive her immediately, but this had been going on for too long, and Santana was sick of it.

"No, Brittany" she tried to hide the pain in her voice "if there is something going on with you two, then just tell me, please"

"So what if he likes me though?" a frustrated tone entered Brittany's voice "I love you, you Santana, why can't you just believe me when I say that"

Santana fought back tears, knowing Brittany was most likely telling the truth, she didn't want to deal with this tonight. Without a word she grabbed a blanket off the end of the bed and headed for the door.

"I'll be on the couch" she said her voice thick, as her throat blocked, fighting with everything she had to hold back tears.

Brittany didn't argue, much to Santana's dismay "fine" she replied and flicked off the light, Santana hovered in the doorway, hearing the familiar rustle of the bedding, followed by a sigh, then silence.

She went into the living room, turned off all the lights and curled up on the couch, a tear slid down her cheek as she felt herself drifting off to sleep.

Loud, disruptive coughing woke Santana, she sat up, rubbing her face and looking around, finding herself on the couch, she frowned, everything that happened last night flooding back to her.

The coughing continued and Santana dragged herself off the couch, she padded into the bedroom.

"Brittany, I really don't think..." she began, before setting eyes on her girlfriend and seeing that she had deteriorated in the few hours they had been sleeping. Her face was pale, her eyes were red, and she looked over exhausted and frail.

"That's it, I'm taking you to the doctor" Santana said sternly, so there was no room for Brittany's argument.

"We can't go anywhere in this weather" Brittany croaked and Santana looked out the window, a fresh layer of snow coated the ground, and raindrops were drizzling from the heavy, grey clouds.

Santana shook her head "too bad, you need a doctor" she pulled on some sweatpants, several layers of tops and her ugg boots, and then grabbed the car keys.

Brittany stumbled out of bed and Santana slipped her arm around her waist and helped her down to the car.

"Are you still mad?" Brittany asked quietly, after a long stretch of silence.

Santana let out a small sigh and kept her eyes on the road, it was icy and wet, and the rain was falling faster than her wind screen wipers were moving.

"You are aren't you?" Brittany said after she didn't receive a reply.

"I'm just sick of him liking you" Santana frowned deeply "why can't he just back off"

"Why do you let it bother you" Brittany leant back in her chair and turned to head to look at Santana.

"Because you're mine Brittany" Santana's voice raised, she felt Brittany's eyes on her and turned briefly glancing at her.

"I just…" Santana shook her head not wanting to say what she was about to "you don't exactly make it obvious you have no interest in him"

Brittany stared at her for a moment in complete silence, processing what Santana had just said.

"Are you accusing me of flirting with him" Brittanys furrowed her brow.

"I see the way he looks at you, how intense that is, how close he dances to you" Santana felt tears coming, she quickly blinked them back, her grip on the wheel tightening at the mere thought of him.

"Santana, I love you, I swore to you 3 years ago that I would never love anyone else ever, and I meant that" Brittany's eyes hadn't moved off the brunette, through her croaky, thick voice what she said came out strong and clear.

Santana finally moved her eyes off the road looked at Brittany, tears formed in her eyes.

"I see the way you look at him as well" she said, her voice about to break, as she looked back at the road.

"Santana!" Brittany almost yelled out in frustration, she turned her body to face the front and folded her arms across her chest.

"You are so frustrating" she almost growled.

"Am I? Am I really?" Santana took her eyes off the road once again to look at Brittany "because the way I see it, _you_ are the frustrating one, you refuse to do anything about the fact I'm uncomfortable with you and Alex working together"

"I didn't know you were uncomfortable Santana, I thought you just didn't like him" Brittany matched Santana's tone, as she looked back at Santana, her face full of frustration "why would you not just tell me that straight up?"

"I shouldn't have to" Santana almost screamed "why are you so-" tears fell fast down her face, as she looked at Brittany, feeling her face flush red in anger. Brittany went silent, their eyes locked, and Santana knew she had just screwed everything up. She didn't move her eyes off the blonde, watching her eyes fill with tears, as she tore her eyes off Santana's and looked away.

"Brittany…I'm so" Santana dropped her voice to almost a whisper.

Brittany's eyes suddenly widened as a set of lights started coming directly at them.

"Santana watch out" she screamed.

But it was too late.

Santana heard a high pitched scream, full of agonizing pain.

Everything went black.

The rest was blurred in slow motion.

Santana's eyes fluttered open, as pain rippled through her body. The first thing she saw was the dark ominous grey sky, raindrops were splattering all around her, they were probably landing on her as well, she didn't know. She couldn't feel anything but the excruciating pain, everywhere.

"Miss Lopez" a voice said beside her "Miss Lopez, can you hear me"

Santana's licked her lip; the sweet taste of blood touched her tongue.

"Santana" the voice continued "you're okay honey, you'll be just fine"

_Brittany._ Santana suddenly bolted upright, pain shooting through her body like a bullet. Two paramedics grabbed her from each side, but she pushed them off, seeing the blood on her hands, her heart started pounding, she crawled around in a half circle, glass shattered into a million pieces was strewn all over the road. A huddle of paramedics in fluorescent yellow jackets were gathered in a circle several meters away. A girl's pink bunny slipper was sticking out.

"Brittany" Santana screamed without thinking, she scrambled to her feet, she could hear her heartbeat in her ears, as she broke free of the grasp of the paramedics beside her once again. Stumbling through the rain, glass crunched beneath her feet as she got closer, she suddenly fell to her knees. The blonde lay on a stretcher, blood soaked through her pajama top and all down the right side of her body.

Her eyes were shut, just like she was sleeping, red smudges stained her lips and a rich red was all through her hair.

Someone wrapped their arms around Santana's waist as she cried out not taking her eyes off Brittany, the paramedics around her were talking fast, and she couldn't understand what they were saying.

"Brittany" she screamed again, a warm liquid ran down the side of her face, dripping onto the ground, landing in a perfect red circle.

"We need to get her to the hospital, right now, it's not looking good" Santana heard one of them say.

"No" she screamed out "do something, fucking help her" she was being pulled towards an ambulance, suddenly her feet weren't on the ground, she was passed into the vehicle and someone forced her to sit down on the bed. Two paramedics picked up the stretcher Brittany was on and carried it towards her, setting it on the bed next to Santana, they slammed the doors closed.

A siren sounded loudly, the noise ringing in Santana's ears.

Watching as they ripped Brittany's top open and pressed two metal paddles to her chest, it rose, and then fell, it rose, and then fell.

Silence was then followed by a cough. The most reliving sound Santana had ever heard. She pushed forward and fell beside Brittany as she turned her head weakly, her eyes opened, a blue as bright as the sky, and as rich as the sea looked directly at Santana.

"Santana" she whispered, a tear slipping down her cheek "Santana, it hurts"

Santana grabbed Brittany's hand gently, lacing their fingers together.

"I know" she said, her heart still hammering in her chest "I know, I know, I know, Britt I'm so sorry"

Brittany looked at her, and bit the corner of her lip, blinking a couple of times, her eyes full of forgiveness and love. Santana knew that look so well. That was the look she got, right before Brittany would always say 'I forgive you'.

But not this time.

"San" Brittany said her voice was faded "it hurts" she repeated.

Santana saw the pain on Brittany's face and glanced around at the 3 paramedics.

"Do something" she cried hysterically "Can't you see she's in pain, help her"

"Santana" Brittany's voice was now barely a whisper, the sparkle in her eye was fading.

Santana knew what was coming. So did Brittany.

"Brittany, no" she said shaking her head, as if it would prevent anything further from happening "no, stay with me" she pressed her lips against Brittanys tasting the salty tears and blood, she felt the blondes fingers weakly try and tighten around Santana's. The paramedics tried to move her out of the way as they started working furiously, but Santana didn't budge.

"It's always been you Santana" Brittany said struggling to keep her eyes open "I've never loved anyone else"

Tears fell down Santana's cheeks, stinging the cuts on her face before they fell to the floor.

"I loved you yesterday, I love you still, I always have…" Brittany's voice was barely a whisper "I always will"

Santana shook her head again, she had no control over the endless tears that fell "Britt, no, don't leave me, please" she whimpered "I can't live without you"

"Soul mates" Brittany whispered, as if she hadn't heard what Santana said. Their eyes locked, her fingers fell limply from Santana's hand, all but her pinky.

Everything suddenly left Brittany's eyes, all the pain and emotion was gone. The bright color was suddenly dull, vacant.

"No" Santana whispered "no" she screamed louder as Brittany's pinky detached from hers, and her scratched up, bleeding arm slackened, falling to the side.

Santana could not order the series of events that followed.

They were rushed from the ambulance into the hospital; people in uniform were forcing her to be separated from Brittany. They took the blonde into a room, half a dozen doctors and nurses followed the hospital bed in.

Santana could do nothing but pace around outside, she felt useless, her girlfriend's life was in someone else's hands. But there was still hope. The tears had stopped, they dried on her cheeks, making her face feel crusty and unmovable.

10 minutes later a doctor in his mid forties, with slightly graying hair came out, his white coat was covered in Brittany's red, so were his hands.

"Miss Lopez" he said, his voice had no emotion "I'm so sorry…"

Santana went numb. The doctor kept talking, but she couldn't hear him. She collapsed against the wall and the doctor rushed over to her.

"Santana…" he said guiding her to the chair and sitting her down "it's important for you to listen to me"

But she couldn't. She didn't want to know. She had killed the love of her life. A single cold tear slid down her cheek.


	3. Chapter 3

"_Do you believe in soul mates?" Santana asked Brittany as they sat on the windowsill of Brittany's room looking out up at the stars._

_Brittany turned to look at Santana, feeling her blue eyes on her Santana turned her head, their eyes met._

"_I believe in you" Brittany said, behind the smile on her face was pure happiness._

As the cold metal pierced her smooth skin, a small rich red bubble of blood appeared, tears continued to fall onto her arm, blurring her vision, she tightened her grip on the handle, and taking a small unsteady breath she dragged the knife further towards her. A groan escaped her lips as the excruciating pain rippled through her arm making her toes curl. She released the knife from her death grip, letting it drop to the floor, clamping a hand over her arm she screamed. Her warm blood soaked her hand, dripping perfect drops of red rain all over the bed and floor_. I deserve to die_ she thought to herself, as she curled up on the bed, clutching her arm to her chest. _Or maybe, a life of complete loneliness would be worse._

Santana's cried out at the thought of living the rest of her life without Brittany. It was too much. She would not be able to live with the guilt and the pain for the rest of her life, but maybe, just maybe that's what she deserved.

"Everything will be okay San" Brittany smiled reassuringly at Santana, her long golden locks were almost sparkling in the sunlight.

"How are you so certain of everything?" the brunette picked at the long green grass, looking up at Brittany the sun caught her eyes, making her squint to see her clearly.

"Optimism" Brittany said and gave a little shrug "and magic"

Santana sighed, a small smile stretched across her face.

"Bad things happen to good people all the time" Brittany slid her fingers through the grass towards Santana's hand "but only the ones who believe in magic will get through it"

"Am I magic Britt?" Santana looked at Brittany's hand still smiling; she stretched her hand out to touch Brittanys but was short a few centimeters, she leaned forward to grab Brittany's hand but she still couldn't reach, a frustrated look crossed her face as she looked up at Brittany who simply smiled.

"Of course you are Santana" she said, the bright glare of headlights suddenly filled her eyes, Brittany's high pitched shriek echoed through Santana's head, pulling her out of her sleep.

"No!" she screamed desperately, sitting up quickly she could feel her heart was pounding in her chest, her hand was still clamped over her arm, removing it she studied the dry blood all over her hand and the perfect slice that ran half way down her right forearm. A familiar feeling of melancholy flooded through Santana. She couldn't stop having these dreams, sliding off the bed she walked into the bathroom, leaning her left arm on the sink she sighed, her eyes fixating on the small pill container. The medication that was supposed to be relieving her depression were not working, they gave her dreams, dreams about Brittany, and when she woke up to realize they were just dreams, it would just make her more depressed.

With one swift hand movement she knocked them off the side of the sink, they rattled as they hit the floor, the top coming off and scattering the pink tablets across the white tiles.

Turning the shower on she caught a glance of herself in the mirror, she barely recognized herself.

Her face looked gaunt, her skin had paled, her eyes were red and puffy from endless days and nights of crying, her dark hair hung limply around her face. She looked away, feeling fragile and broken, slipping out of Brittany's clothes she stepped into the shower, the hot water ran over her skin, she scrubbed the blood off her hand and wiped it away from around her cut.

Letting the water run over her, she shut her eyes, Brittany's scream filled her head. It was like a never ending montage of the crash every time she shut her eyes. Opening them again quickly, she washed her hair and ran soap over herself. Memories of all the showers she had taken with Brittany filled her mind. The soft touch of Brittany's hands running over her body, the kisses she would place along Santana's neck and shoulder, the tinkle of her laughter when they blew soap bubbles at each other, she leaned back against the shower wall staring at the water as it fell like her tears, her life seemed like a hole of darkness that she would never be able to escape again.

Stepping out of the shower she wrapped a towel around herself and went back into the bedroom, she pulled on some more of Brittany's clothes, enclosing herself in her sweet scent that Santana knew oh so well. Looking around the room, photo albums and memories were scattered all over the bed and floor, and every other flat surface there was. She grabbed the knife from the middle of the bed; it looked out of place among all the smiles and happy memories, she went back into the bathroom and tossed it into the sink, not bothering to wash her blood off.

Deciding to take a drive, Santana grabbed her keys and silently moved through Quinn's apartment.

Quinn had collected her from the hospital that day, and she had been staying here for two weeks now.

Rachel had taken up residence also, since Brittany's funeral just over a week ago; they took turns with Santana, looking after her like she was an infant. They argued over her like a married couple, it was obvious there was something going on between them, but Santana didn't want to comment.

Quinn had given Santana the spare key to her car, since hers was now just a pile of crushed metal. She and Rachel were both out; this would be the first time Santana had left the house since the funeral.

Driving down the road Santana knew where she would end up, she was subconsciously already going in the right direction. And she was right, 15 minutes later she pulled over to the side of the main road.

A white cross was pinned to a road sign; dozens of colorful flowers were placed carefully all around it. The unmistakable 8 lettered name was printed down the cross. A tall slim figure stood infront of the display with her back to the road, a cascade of sunshine blonde hair fell halfway down her back. Frowning, Santana pushed the door open and slowly got out of the car, unsure of whether she was dreaming or not, she didn't move her eyes off the familiar blonde.

"Brittany?" she said softly, her heart skipped a beat as the tall blonde turned around, sky blue eyes filled with tears looked back at her. Santana opened her mouth to speak but nothing came out. She didn't know what to think, this was completely impossible.

"Santana" the blonde finally spoke, struggling to get just one word out, and brushing a stray piece of hair from her eyes she moved closer to Santana.

"B-Brittany" Santana repeated and furrowed her brow, not knowing how else to respond as the blonde moved closer shaking her head.

"No" she said placing her hands on Santana's shoulders, registering the confused look on the Latinas face she added "Santana, its Stella"

_Stella._ The name repeated in Santana's mind. _Stella. Stella Pierce. _Brittany's younger sister.

"Right" exhaling shakily Santana nodded "I'm sorry" she said looking at Stella, she was almost an exact replica of Brittany; they were roughly the same height with a beautiful body of a dancer, they had the same sparkle in their eyes, the same fair skin, and Stella sounded exactly like Brittany had when she was 14.

"Shhhh, it's fine" Stella said softly pulling Santana into a hug.

"You look so much like her" Santana mumbled wrapping her arms around Stella tightly.

"I'm so sorry" she continued, fighting against another wave of tears "I'm so freaking sorry"

Stella's body started shaking a little in her arms; she buried her head in Santana's neck muffling her sobs. Looking over Stella's shoulder, Santana took one look at the cross and felt her heart shatter even more than it already was. Letting Stella cry against her she rubbed her back comfortingly; a single tear escaped and slipped down her cheek. The 14 year old had every right to hate Santana's gut for getting her sister killed, but for some reason she didn't, she treated her like a member of the family. Stella was like Brittany in so many ways it almost hurt to look at her. Shutting her eyes Brittany's voice filled her head.

"_Santana, it hurts. Santana, please help me, please" her voice begged "it hurts."_

Opening her eyes to get rid of the haunting voice, she kept her arms tightly around Stella as she looked at the road. Cars passed them, people giving sympathetic looks, some people not even noticing, or knowing. To some it was just another road where another unnecessary accident took a life. But to Santana it was the place where a beautiful, innocent soul was taken, a ray of sunshine was lost, and a place where a part of her died.


	4. Chapter 4

Pink, purple, pink, pink, blue, green, blue. A beaded bracelet moved round and round in Santana's hand, one bead at a time. The soft black braided cotton was faded, bleached by the sun during all the long hot summers it was worn. She mindlessly sat at the table staring out the big glass windows at the grey sky outside. She didn't have to look at the bracelet to know which color bead was between her fingers at that very moment.

"You didn't get very far did you?" a smooth voice cut through Santana's daze, she moved her eyes off the window, a tall slender blonde was moving across the room to the kitchen, undoubtedly turning the kettle on.

"Did you get any sleep?" Quinn's voice continued.

Santana said nothing, looking down at the empty coffee mug in front of her; the ache in her heart still thrummed offbeat.

"Santana" Quinn's footsteps were light and delicate on the hardwood floor; you wouldn't even know she was there if the old floorboards hadn't squeaked. She wrapped her arms around Santana's shoulders.

"I know it's hard, but you really do need to try and sleep, it's been 3 days since the last dream" her voice was comforting and warm.

"I just can't" Santana sighed leaning back in Quinn's arms, closing her eyes briefly.

"You should use the new medication the doctor gave you, it'll help you sleep" Quinn kissed the pile of Santana's dark messy hair.

"I don't..." Santana started but was quickly cut off.

"You don't want to" Quinn couldn't help but smile a little at the brunette's constant stubbornness, as she pulled away, retreating back to the kitchen to pour her coffee.

"I'm just saying, it could help"

Santana leant back in the chair she had been sitting in for endless hours, her body screamed at her to get up and move around but she didn't. She stared at the bracelet that was in her hand, mesmerized by the details on each bead, the chips in the paint, the fading color, the scratches and dents, the memories.

It had been Brittany's favorite bracelet; she always had it with her, even if she wasn't wearing it.

"_Why do you always have that with you?" Santana had asked one day when they were juniors._

"_Because" Brittany had said proudly "it's my lucky bracelet, the day I made it was the day I met you"_

Santana had smiled for the rest of the day.

The day Brittany had died; she had the bracelet on.

Stopping on one of the blue beads, Santana ran her finger over a red smudge that covered half the bead. Blood. Taking a deep breath she moved onto the next one.

"It'll be a two months tomorrow" Santana said to no one in particular.

Quinn came back to the table setting down her mug and sliding into a seat next to Santana, who was at the head of the table.

"I know" Quinn traced the rim of her cup with her index finger "you're being so strong, Santana."

Santana felt tears prickle in her eyes, as Quinn slid her hand across the table and put it over Santana's.

The sound of a door opening broke the silence and a few seconds later Rachel appeared, she headed towards the table, already dressed and ready to leave.

"Good morning" the tone in her voice was careful; her eyes flickered from Quinn to Santana then their hands on the table.

"Did we all sleep well?" she asked, Santana scoffed a little and Quinn shook her head giving Rachel a small frown.

"Santana's still having problems sleeping" Quinn said looking at Santana, whose eyes were fixed on the bracelet she hadn't put down for over a month.

"The doctor said that…" Rachel began; her dark eyes looked at Quinn as she stood up and gestured for Rachel to follow her to the out of the room.

"I know what he said Rachel" Santana said her voice was emotionless; she heard Rachel let out a frustrated sigh as her and Quinn went into the hallway.

"We have to do something" Rachel demanded folding her arms barely out of ear shot; Quinn raked her hand through her short, choppy honey blonde hair.

"What else can we do Rach?" she said "we're trying everything, she's just…vacant"

"She is barely moving" Rachel hissed loudly "is that not worrying you?"

Quinn gave a little shrug "honestly, what do you expect?"

The brunette's intense eyes studied the slender blonde as she leant against the wall investigating a nail.

"She'll get there, all in good time" Quinn looked up from her nail at Rachel whose arms were still folded neatly across her chest.

"And until then, she's just going to live at your house?" Rachel asked

"She needs us, you know that, you said you were up for this" the blonde paused "I need you too"

Rachel's expression softened a little "I just, I think we need to talk to Dr Rodgers again"

Quinn groaned, picking herself off the wall and walking back towards the kitchen, the conversation was over.

"I don't see why you have to leave the room" Santana said hearing them come back in "firstly it's obvious you're talking about me and second, these walls are paper thin"

Quinn lifted an eyebrow at Rachel who was quick to furrow her brow at Santana's comment; she opened her mouth to speak but was interrupted.

"Also, I'm not going to see Dr Rodgers again, he's creepy and I don't need a therapist"

"I'm sorry" Rachel's tone softened "I'm just concerned" expecting a rude comeback from Santana she was shocked when there was silence; Rachel knew Santana favored Quinn's company, but she still tried her hardest to help.

"I'm going out…" she said suddenly "I'll see you two later"

Santana heard footsteps, followed by the front door slamming shut.

Quinn sighed and she came back over to the beautiful Latina sitting at her table and leaned an arm on it, looking at her.

"Rachel really is worried" she said biting on her bottom lip a little "I know you don't like her, but please try to be nice, this is hard for all of us, and it's hard for her being away from New York as well"

Santana rolled her eyes a little "she doesn't need to be here."

Quinn opened her mouth to speak then shut it again quickly and looked away. Santana glanced at Quinn and the tiniest smirk briefly crossed her face.

"But you want her here, it's fine."

Quinn's face turned a rosy pink and she looked at Santana.

"You should go shower, maybe I could convince you to leave the house?"

"Why?" Santana replied a her despondent mood quickly returning, her eyes meeting Quinn's for the first time in days "I'm still struggling to see to see the point of my existence now"

Not moving her eyes off the cherry brown ones that were locked onto hers Quinn chewed her lip, trying to make reason with Santana on this was impossible; two attempts already had resulted in them both in tears. Santana refused to listen.

"Are you trying to see how long I can live with this pain or something?" her glazed over with tears "because it's killing me Quinn, every second of every day, it's eating away at me"

Crouching down beside Santana, Quinn struggled to stay strong for her.

"You have to listen to me" she said pulling a chair over to Santana and sitting down, placing a hand on her arm "Brittany would not want you to die"

"What would you know about what Brittany wants?" Santana snapped at her.

"No one wants to lose you too, Santana" Quinn chose her words carefully "Brittany loved you, and she would not want you to die because of her"

"She died, because of _me_" Santana cried, a sudden burst of tears made Quinn quickly wrapped her arms tightly around Santana.

"But she loved you Santana, she loved you more than anything or anyone" Quinn whispered as the brunettes tears fell uncontrollably making her frail body shudder as she gasped for air between sobs.

"I killed my girlfriend" the pain in Santana's voice was almost unbearable for Quinn; she had never seen someone so hurt in her life.

"you have to stop saying that" Quinn pulled Santana closer, fighting against her own tears at the memory of seeing Santana screaming over Brittany's body when she came to collect her from the hospital that day, like her heart had just been ripped out of her chest and torn to shreds.

Santana's sobs eventually grew more manageable; Quinn kept her arms around her, and rested her chin on Santana's shoulder.

"I have to get away, Quinn" Santana said suddenly "I have to leave"

Quinn raised an eyebrow inquisitively watching Santana's face.

"And where exactly do you want to go, 5 minutes ago you didn't want to leave the house"

Santana turned to look at Quinn, the white of her eyes was a red from crying.

"Anywhere…anywhere but here, I can't stay in Ohio anymore, it's too hard" Quinn sighed and didn't move off Santana's shoulder.

"Say something, please" Santana said as silence slowly spread between them, she couldn't tell whether Quinn was completely disapproving or not.

"How about New York?" Quinn said the slightest glimmer of a smile appearing at the corners of her mouth.

"New York" Santana echoed and bit her lip.

Quinn nodded "I think it could suit you, you could get an apartment with a view over central park, you could find an actual job that pays you for your talent and everyday there are millions of people everywhere that you could lose yourself among, it could be an almost fresh start"

"I like the sound of that" Santana said quietly staring at the table for a moment, lost in thought of this new idea.

"and let's face it" she said "I have nothing left to lose"

The wooden floorboards creaked as Santana walked down the hallway, running her fingers along the perfect cream wall; she stopped at the first door and stared at it menacingly, this might end up going completely wrong she thought to herself, reaching her hand towards the door she bit her lip and quickly drew her hand back, looking up and down the hallway she sighed and then reached back out, knocking her knuckles against the door three times, then taking a step back biting her lip.

"Yeah" Rachel's voice replied almost instantly from the other side of the door.

"Can I come in?" Santana asked quietly.

"Santana" Rachel said surprised, suddenly the door was open and Santana was pulled into the room.

"What's up?" Rachel put her hands on her hips and tilted her head a little looking at her curiously.

"_What _are you wearing?" Santana asked coolly folding her arms, looking at the strange one piece Rachel had on with pale tights and thick socks, Rachel shifted uncomfortably seeing the disapproving frown on Santana's face.

"It's a leotard" she said quickly her hand moving up to her neck "for ballet"

_Oh _Santana mouthed and looked around the room, and then back at Rachel, her eyes lingered for a moment on Rachel's face, her dark eyes, olive completion and rosy red lips. She could see Quinn's attraction to her; she really wasn't as hideous as Santana used to think she was in high school. She cleared her throat.

"So, I need your help with something" she said and Rachel lifted her eyebrows a little, Santana knew she was about to assume it was about her singing so she quickly kept going.

"I think I'm going to move to New York"

The look on the brunettes face changed; suddenly it was a beaming bright smile.

"Santana, that's just…" she fought to find the right word through all her new excitement.

"Yeah, okay, I get it" Santana lifted her hand through her crossed arms "fabulous" she said dryly.

"D-do you want my help finding a place?" Rachel read Santana's next thought.

Santana's eyes rested on the perfectly made bed behind the over excited girl in the ballet outfit and she nodded a little.

"Well you've come to the perfect person, I know New York like the back of my hand" she almost squealed with happiness.

"Yes, I know, that's why I came to you, genius" Santana's dull sarcastic tone sounded almost irritated at the amount of excitement Rachel was showing.

Rachel froze and looked at Santana, her eyes widening.

"Did you just insult me?"

Santana dismissed her question with a shrug. "Can we just.."

"This is good, this is progress" Rachel's enthusiasm continued "you're insulting me again, this is great, the old Santana is coming back"

Santana just stared at her blankly. Don't walk out. She told herself. You need her help. You need to do this. For you. Rachel spun on her toes and almost threw herself at her bed, leaning over to the other side she pulled her laptop off the floor and flipped it open; looking up at Santana she patted the spot on the bed next to her. Hesitantly Santana moved closer, then crawled onto the bed next to Rachel and glanced at her sideways.

"Thank you" she said quietly "I know I'm not exactly nice to you"

Rachel just smiled.


	5. Chapter 5

Boxes stacked as high as the ceiling ran along the apartment wall. The heavy, grey sky hung low over the New York skyscrapers; Santana was still adjusting to the constant background sounds of sirens and car horns. She stood in the middle of the living room; arms folded staring at the boxes, most of which were marked_Brittany_.

"Can't you just find places for yourselves" she muttered, looking away from the boxes her eyes wandered around her new furnished apartment. It had all happened so fast after she had gone to Rachel about wanting to move. Rachel had a friend, who had a friend who had a sister in real estate who was selling an apartment in Manhattan a couple of blocks back from Central Park. She was hardly going to say no. Besides, there is no way Rachel would have let her.

The first time Santana stepped foot inside, she had had a sudden feeling of reassurance that she was doing the right thing by moving, leaving everything she had once had, and trying to make an almost new start.

"Brittany would love it" was the first thing she had said to Rachel, after she had looked around the picture perfect master bedroom, the shiny white floored bathrooms and open plan living room and kitchen.

"And to think, I'm only a few blocks away" Rachel had said and Santana had forced a polite enough smile that made everything inside her scream.

Santana had been sorting through endless boxes all day, exhausted was barely a patch on how she was feeling. Falling back onto the couch she curled up and stared at the picture of Brittany that was on the coffee table in front of her. A tear fell down her cheek as the blonde's magnificent smile lit up the picture, it didn't take long for Santana's eyes to close, and her exhausted frail body heaved a sigh of relief that she was finally resting.

"Remind me again why I shouldn't just kill myself" Santana asked and turned her head to look at Brittany; they were lying in their field, a huge grassy space that they had found one summer when they were kids.

"Because, you have so much to live for" Brittany said turning her head as well so she was looking directly at Santana.

"Like what exactly?" Santana asked her fingers ran through the long soft blades of grass, as the warm sun was beating down on them.

"Santana seriously?" Brittany looked at her the smallest frown crossed her face. When she said nothing Brittany sighed and continued.

"Well, you're an amazing performer, you have a voice that would be a tragic loss to the world if it was silenced by death, you're smart, and you're the most beautiful girl in the world anybody would be lucky to have you…and lastly and me"

Santana almost laughed "you?"

"Yes, me" Brittany grinned adorably at her "I want you to live and have an amazing life, and do everything you want to do, for me"

Santana looked up at the sky, the clouds were moving like they were in fast forward.

"nobody wants to lose you San, I know you want to give up sometimes, but don't, please don't, don't give up, do it for me, I want you to have the best life and live till you're a hundred and have 10 cats" Brittany said her piercing blues eyes hadn't moved off Santana.

"You said you want me to do everything I want to do?" Santana said and looked back at Brittany as she nodded.

"Well, what if I wanted to marry you…"

Brittany smiled and sat up; her perfect laugh rang through the air.

A dark cloud covered the sun.

Suddenly she was fading, fading fast.

Everything went black.

Santana's eyes fluttered open; she glanced around and temporarily wondered where she was. Sitting up she ran a hand through her messy hair as the dream flooded back to her. Brittany hadn't been killed. Her dream didn't end with the usual pained scream.

"Weird" she said to herself and shook her head a little "I must need coffee" frowning in confusion Santana rose from the sofa and padded quietly into the kitchen, hunting around for coffee she sighed. There was none. Realizing she was still dressed from yesterday in her black skinny jeans and one of Brittany's old cashmere sweaters, she headed for the door, she pulled on her thick winter coat, slid her shoes on, and she grabbed some money and her keys and disappeared out the door. With no exact clue to where she was going Santana left the apartment building, an icy winter breeze blew across her face as she embarked on a journey down the road.

Thoughts swirled in her head as she recounted her dream; it was almost like Brittany was still there.

Spotting a small café on the other side of the road, Santana glanced both ways before dashing across, two sets of chairs and tables were outside, a man with a newspaper and a cup of half drunken coffee occupied one. She pushed the door open, a small bell overhead chimed as she entered, getting in line , she wondered how she had never come across this café before, judging by the amount of people here at this early time in the morning, it was clearly a hotspot.

Her eyes grazed across the menu which was written in different colored chalk on a long dusty blackboard on the wall.

"Can I help you?" a voice in the background asked.

"Excuse me, Miss" the voice said again a few seconds later "can I take your order"

The words cut through Santana's train of thought; her eyes looked away from the board and came to focus on a pretty girl with hazelnut brown hair and olive green eyes.

"Hi" she smiled at Santana seeing she now had her attention.

"Hi" Santana said looking at the cheerful girl on the other side of the counter curiously.

"What can I get you?" she said her bright smile continued.

Santana looked back at the board and bit the corner of her lip. Having paid no attention to anything it had actually said while she had been looking at it, she now felt like a prized idiot.

Looking back at the green eyed girl she held a bill over the counter. "Anything with caffeine"

The girl laughed and took the money.

"Usually people are a little more specific" she smirked and Santana raised an eyebrow at the same smirk and sarcasm that she was usually the queen of.

"Its fine" the girl continued when she looked up and saw the look on Santana's face "I think I have the perfect thing for you"

Santana nodded a little, not moving her eyes off the fascinating green eyed girl.

"Oh, what type of milk do you want? Non-fat, trim, soy, regular, are you lactose intolerant?" she moved towards the coffee machine and Santana moved out of the way of the next person.

Finding herself strangely short on words she frowned a little.

"I'm not lactose intolerant" was what she managed to say, then felt like slapping herself for sounding so stupid.

"Well that's good" the green eyed look looked over the coffee machine at her as it whirred between them "you don't look like a soy person, and you certainly don't need non fat, because you're already so skinny, so…regular?"

Santana blinked. Did this girl talk to everyone like this?

"Yes, thank you" Santana said and looked around the café, it was small, but plenty of people still managed to find their own space.

"You're new here?" green eyes continued.

Santana nodded and turned back to the girl.

"I moved here a few weeks ago, just up the road actually" she had no idea why she was telling a perfect stranger all of this.

"I can tell, you have that same overwhelmed look that I had when I moved here" she said and laughed a little "that was 3 years ago though"

"Where did you move from?" Santana found herself asking.

"Florida, I didn't like the weather" she smirked looking down as worked "what about you?"

Santana hesitated for a moment "Lima Heights in Ohio…"

"Oh" she said looking back up "I had a grandma there once, I think she died of boredom though"

Santana almost laughed, she hadn't laughed in months. Green Eyes held her take away coffee cup over the counter to her.

"It's a cow town, it really is" Santana said and taking it from her and having a sip, the sweet warmth of the drink flooded through her.

"You like?" she asked and Santana nodded

"It's amazing, what is it?" the girl just smirked.

"I can't tell you" Santana rolled her eyes and took another sip turning towards the door.

"Thank you" she said and pulled the door open the bell chiming above her head as she stepped outside into the wintery air.

When she got home she found a new message on her answering machine, she hit the play button as she pulled off her big coat.

"Hi Santana" an unfamiliar woman's voice said "I'm Abigail Long a colleague of your psychiatrist Dr Rodgers, he gave me your number and told me you'd recently moved to New York, that's quite a brave thing to do after everything you've been through, look I was just calling up to let you know if you wanted to come and see me, I'd be happy to talk with you here's my address…"

Santana listened to the message three times before she took the address down. She didn't have any intentions of going to see this woman who seemed to know everything about her, but she decided to write down the address before she deleted the message for good.

She sat on her couch staring at the piece of paper in her hands, the name Abigail Long looked straight at her almost beckoning her to go. I don't need a psychiatrist or a therapist Santana told herself. There's nothing wrong with me.

Her phone started ringing again, she looked at it not wanting to pick it up unless it was Abigail.

It went to answer phone.

"Santana" Quinns voice rang through her house "I know you're there so just pick up the phone"

Santana scrambled across the couch to grab the phone, there was something so comforting about Quinn and she missed that so much.

"Hello" Santana said down the phone

"Hey" she could hear Quinn smiling on the other end of the line

"How are you gorgeous?"

Santana sighed looking down at the piece of paper was still in her hand

"I'm fine" she said

"really?" Quinn asked "just fine?"

"No" Santana said "I'm sad, always sad, I don't know how to be anything but sad"

"Oh honey" Quinn said Santana heard her taking a deep breath

"It's okay" Santana tried to reassure her "I'm still breathing right"

"Right" Quinn said "you just make sure you keep that up"

A smile almost formed on Santana's face but was chased away quickly by her dark demons.

"So how have you been?"

"Not bad" Quinn replied "I've got a massive workload at the moment, all my Professors seem to be against me"

"Oh, wanky" Santana said automatically and Quinn laughed

"Not like that" she giggled

Quinn was back in Connecticut at Yale, she had Santana under strict instructions that they had to talk at least once a week. She felt like she needed to check up on Santana because she didn't know who else would. Rachel was always busy and she knew Santana wouldn't want her showing up every week. She enjoyed talking to Santana even though it was no longer all the light, fluffy bullshit they used to talk about. Sometimes it was hard talking to Santana, she was always upset, Quinn spent endless hours trying to convince Santana that she'd be okay and not to do anything stupid. Sometimes it was hard to get Santana to even pick up the phone.

"A lady called me today" Santana said "her name's Abigail Long, she claims to be Dr Rodgers colleague and she wants me to go see her"

Quinn paused for a moment "are you going to go?"

Santana sighed "I don't know, should I?"

"You could just go and meet her, you don't have to keep going back" Quinn said

"I have to go, let me know if you go and see her"

"Okay" Santana said quietly

"Take care gorgeous"

"You too"

She hung up, taking another look at the piece of paper in her hands she got up and took Quinn's advice.

Abigail worked in a tall building, it loomed in front of Santana dauntingly, she didn't know what awaited her on the inside and she was beginning to think it was bad idea to come here. But strangely enough she found herself walking in and getting into the elevator. She chewed her lip nervously on the way up and was well aware of the fact she couldn't stop fidgeting with her fingers and sleeves. Abigail's office was on the eighth floor, it was a purposefully comfortable looking place with nicely decorated hallways, plants and flowers and big couches for waiting.

"Is Abigail Long here?" Santana asked at the reception desk

"Do you have an appointment?" the lady asked peering over her glasses at me

"No, but she rang me and told me to stop by" Santana explained and the lady nodded in understanding

"Just go on through then sweetie, third door on the left"

Santana went down the hallway and stopped outside the door before knocking, did she really want to do this?

Suddenly the door opening and a woman in her mid thirties crashed straight into her.

"Oh gosh I'm so sorry" she said taking a step back and picking up the papers that she'd dropped

"it's fine" Santana said slightly startled

"were you coming in to see me?" the lady asked her hazel eyes studying my face

"Yeah I was just…"

"Oh wait" she said "Santana Lopez?"

Santana nodded in slight confusion

"Oh honey come in" she said stepping out of the way and ushering Santana in closing the big oak door behind her.

Abigail's office had a spectacular view of Central Park, light flooded into her room making it feel like a very happy environment that Santana wasn't sure she was comfortable with. Abigail took a seat behind her desk on a big wheelie chair. Santana cautiously sat down perching herself on the edge of the chair opposite the desk.

"I'm so glad you came" she said with a warm smile, she ran a hand through her dark brown hair then shuffled some papers around her desk.

"So, you know Dr Rodgers" Santana asked

Abigail nodded "he sent your file and records over to me when he heard you were moving"

"Oh" Santana said "so you're basically my new shrink"

She nodded and took a sip from her coffee.

"Did you read my entire file?"

Abigail laughed lightly and nodded "Of course I did, I wanted to know who my new patient was going to be"

"I didn't realize I was going to be continuing my….therapy" Santana said still playing with her fingers

"Well you don't have to, if you feel like you're fine now to go on on your own that's great, but I just wanted to call you in say hello, just in case you did want to talk at anytime"

Santana was taken back by how friendly Abigail was, she wasn't anything like Dr Rodgers who treated her as if she should be locked up in a mental hospital.

"Okay" Santana said nodding "thank you"

"Your welcome" she said "So how are you finding New York so far?"

The small talk went on for about half an hour, Santana found she actually liked Abigail and that she was really easy to talk to, but then she decided to ask a more hard hitting question.

"Can you tell me about Brittany?" she asked

A million words came to Santana's mind straight away, but as soon as she tried to get them out of her mouth she couldn't. She felt tears fill her eyes and she looked down at her hands in her lap. Don't cry she told herself but it was no use. She was fine until someone mentioned Brittany, something would trigger the fact that she was gone. It would bring back all the horrible memories of what had happened. Memories that haunted Santana day and night.

Tears slipped down her face and Abigail slid a box of tissues across the desk.

"It's okay Santana" she said "It's okay to cry"

"She was perfect" Santana managed to say finally when the tears stopped "In every way, shape and form"

A smile formed on Abigail's face and she wrote a couple of things down on a business card.

"How about you come and see me next week" she said slipping the card into Santana's hand

"You're a very strong girl Santana" she said "and you're doing incredibly well"


	6. Chapter 6

Stumbling into the kitchen the next morning Santana found herself in quite the same situation as she had the previous. No coffee. Pulling her coat and shoes on she left the apartment and walked down the road to the café. She had spent the rest of the day yesterday thinking about the green eyed girl in the café, she had been past several convenience stores and hadn't stopped at any to pick up coffee. It wasn't that she had forgotten it might have just been so she was forced to go to the café again the next morning, to see the girl that had her completely confused. She didn't know why this girl had her in such a twist; all she wanted to do was talk to Brittany about it. She had had a completely dreamless night and everything that had happened over the past 24 hours was just messing with her head.

The same man reading the newspaper was outside the café as she went in. The bell chimed, a girl with her back turned behind the counter, spun around and lifted an eyebrow. "Well hello, is this going to be a new habit?" the green eyed girl smirked, as Santana moved towards the counter, a slight smile playing at the corners of her mouth. The café was almost empty this morning, a few people sat alone with books, or paperwork.

"I'll take whatever I had yesterday" Santana said handing her the money and watching her closely, she had an olive complexion, her fingers were long and slim and her nails were in perfect condition, there was something about her that seemed so familiar to Santana, but she couldn't for the life of her figure out what it was. In one graceful movement she moved towards the coffee machine. Like a dancer. Santana's eyes widened a little.

"Are you a dancer?" she asked suddenly.

The green eyed girl looked up at her and smiled.

"How'd you know?' she said, Santana shrugged a little and kept watching her.

"I used to be a dancer, I stopped last year" she said.

"How come?" Santana asked

The green eyed girl sighed a little and looked up from the coffee machine.

"I don't know, sometimes you just do things, you later completely regret" she said looking back down.

"I know the feeling" Santana bit her lip thinking of Brittany.

"Anyway" she said handing Santana her coffee "enjoy, I'll see you tomorrow no doubt"

Santana nodded and turned to the door.

"Hey" the girl called out after her and Santana spun around.

"I'm Audrey, what's your name?" she looked somewhat nervous, a strand of hazelnut brown hair falling out of her messy bun and across her eyes as she asked.

"Santana" Santana said a smirk crossing her face watching Audrey.

"nice to meet you" Audrey said brushing the stray strand of hair from her eyes quickly.

"Likewise" Santana said and pulled the door the bell chiming as she left.

Central Park looked perfect in the evening; Santana had been wandering around for about 20 minutes.

I should leave a string trail or something she thought to herself as she glanced behind her wondering if there was any hope that she would remember her way back home. Oh well, she thought, she had her phone and if worst came to absolute worst she could call Berry.

There was possibly every type of person in Central Park, as she walked she couldn't help but feel completely alone. Every tall blonde she saw she thought of Brittany, and it's like they were everywhere just to make her feel even worse. Wandering down the path she wondered exactly she was going to do with the rest of her life. Everything just seemed pointless. She was lost, she was confused and she missed her girlfriend so much it hurt.

Turning around she decided to try and find her way home before it got too dark.

"Santana?" a voice called out to her, Santana turned back around and saw Audrey waving at her.

Oh god. Now was not the time, she thought and started to walk towards her.

"Typically we walk the same route" Audrey laughed, Santana looked at her forcing a polite smile.

"Are you okay?" Audrey tilted her head a little obviously all the emotions that had been running through her head were written all over her face.

"Y-yeah I'm fine" Santana lied convincingly lied straight through her teeth "just a little lost" she tried to laugh a little to lighten the borderline worried look on Audrey's face, and it worked. She immediately cracked a smile.

"Right, I had that problem too for months" Santana nodded and looked around hoping she knew what way she had been going.

"I can walk you back home if you want" Audrey said and lifted an eyebrow "I'm heading home anyway so if you don't want to get lost…" her voice trailed off.

Santana thought about it for a moment, she really just felt like being alone but if she said no, chances are she would spend the rest of the night wandering around trying to find an exit, and it was already getting dark and cold. Saying yes was the obvious choice.

"Sure" Santana smiled a little and Audrey's face lit up.

"Great, well, this way" she said and pointed to a path to her right. They started walking, Santana's looked down at the ground as she walked, a slightly uncomfortable silence filled up between them.

"So" Santana said the urge to break the silence suddenly too much "What do you want to do, I mean, I'm sure working in a café isn't your dream"

Audrey smirked a little and glanced at Santana.

"Well, if you really want to know, I'm an artist"

Santana lifted an eyebrow "what type of artist?"

"I paint" she smiled a little "I get inspired by places, by travel, and then I paint, what about you?"

Santana bit her lip "I don't know" she gave a small shrug.

"Hm" Audrey studied her face for a moment "well, what do you love doing?"

"Singing" Santana said before she could think.

Audrey grinned "singing is an amazing gift"

Santana looked at her, their eyes met briefly before she looked down.

Audrey laughed and their shoulders bumped as they walked "do you want to come back to my place?"

Lifting an eyebrow Santana felt a strange feeling well up in her stomach.

"I know that sounds…suggestive, but I just meant, I'd love to show you some of my stuff"

"I really shouldn't" Santana said and looked in the other direction.

"Come on, please" Audrey almost begged "what else could you be doing at this time?"

Taking one look at the adorable pout Audrey was wearing Santana almost couldn't resist saying no again. There was something so reassuring behind her puppy eyes.

"Fine" Santana found herself giving into the green eyed girl again.

Audrey's apartment was more like a studio, it was dimly lit; light was seeping through the half open blinds. It was very openly laid out with piles of books, coffee mugs and paper scattered across every free table top. The couch had been turned into a bed; pillows and unfolded blankets lay strewn un-neatly across. The coffee table in front of it was covered in piles of sketches; stacks of books sat around the edge some lying open on the table, a pair of glasses sat perfectly in the middle of the chaos.

The walls were a comforting red, there was such a homey feel to the place that Santana immediately loved.

"I'm sorry about the mess" Audrey said rushing ahead making a weak attempt to make the place look tidier "it usually looks more acceptable than this"

"Its fine" Santana looked around, the warm red walls were covered with huge canvases displaying bright intricate paintings.

"Does someone else stay here?" Santana looked at the messy looking couch.

"no, just me, I always end up falling asleep on the couch, so I made it a little more comfy" she replied and Santana immediately thought of Brittany, the endless nights that she fell asleep on the couch, Santana would tuck a pillow under her head and cover her in a blanket.

"Are these yours" Santana asked, she stopped in front of a canvas filled with gold and black, with splashes of red and green, quickly looking around changing the subject. Audrey came over to her and smiled.

"Yeah they are" there was a pause before she added "my Dad was a writer, he took me to Africa with him when I was 13, I got so inspired by everything there, and when I came home I ended up with this"

"You did this when you were 13?" Santana's eyes widened with amazement.

Audrey replied with a nod before she walked off disappearing around the corner.

"Coffee?" she called out.

Santana hesitated before she answered, something inside her was strongly urging her to leave and go home, but she just couldn't bring herself to go just yet.

"Yeah, sure" she called out and looked along the wall at all the other giant canvases. The paintings had been inspired by places she had been, Hawaii, Mexico, Australia, China, England, France.

Jealously flooded through Santana, she wished she had been able to just leave, go somewhere that nobody knew her face, nobody knew her story.

"Have you really been to all these places?" Santana asked as Audrey reappeared and handed her a mug, before pushing some blankets out of the way on the couch and sitting down.

"No...Only a few of them" Audrey smirked a little and patted the spot on the sofa next to her.

Santana sat down and looked at her curiously.

"My dad went to all these places, he wrote about them, when I read them it felt like I was there, plus there's always these" Audrey tapped a hand on a pile of travel books.

As Santana's eyes followed Audrey's hand she noticed a picture frame perched on the edge of the coffee table. A slightly younger version of Audrey stood with her arms around a tall tanned guy with floppy blonde hair and bright blue eyes.

"Who's that?" Santana asked "your boyfriend?"

Audrey sipped her coffee and chuckled "no, god no, that's my brother"

"Really?" Santana almost spat out her mouthful of coffee, she had never seen siblings that looked so different.

"I know, we look nothing alike, but we're blood related I swear" she smiled a little "anyway, enough about me, what bought you to the city that never sleeps?" Santana looked at her, their eyes met again, for a moment it was as if those green eyes looked right into her soul, like she already knew everything. She blinked and the look on Audrey face was gone, she had her head tilted slightly in curiosity. There was something about the expression in her eyes, and everything about her that reminded her so much of Brittany. Brittany. The name rang through her head like church bells on Sunday. In a flash Santana was suddenly up, she set the cup down on the table and grabbed her things.

"I have to go" she said avoiding making any eye contact with Audrey "I'm sorry"

Confusion filled Audrey's face as she unfolded her legs off the couch and stood up. "Santana, what's wrong?" she asked her voice filled with comfort, a part of Santana knew that Audrey wouldn't harm her, she knew Audrey would listen and not judge, but she just wasn't ready, she just couldn't talk about it yet.

"Did I say something wrong?" Audrey asked as Santana headed towards the door.

"N-no you didn't I just, I would really rather not talk about it" tears were ready to pour from Santana's eyes, she opened the door open muttering "I'm sorry" once more before slamming it behind her so Audrey couldn't follow. Instead of taking the elevator Santana pulled the door to the stair case open and ran down.

The sound of her footsteps echoed all around her and her tears fell like rain.


	7. Chapter 7

'San?' Brittany's voice still echoed through the apartment from the closed walls of the bathroom.

Santana looked up from the glossy magazine she was flicking through, hearing Brittanys voice she rolled off the unmade bed in her black lace lingerie. Running a hand through her messy hair, she walked across the room to the bathroom with silent footsteps.

'What's up B?' she called placing her perfectly manicured fingers on the bathroom door and pushing it open a little, peeking around she saw Brittany standing in the shower pouting.

Santana slid around the door and couldn't help but let her eyes wander over the gorgeous blonde's slim figure.

'I can't remember if I washed my hair or not' Brittany stuck her bottom lip out even more making her look irresistibly cute.

Santana smiled a little moving closer to the blonde taking a piece of her wet hair and twisting it around her fingers.

'Ohh dear' she sighed a little 'I hate it when that happens'

Brittany nodded her eyes subtly grazing over Santana's chest, Santana didn't miss a beat, she smirked to herself as she caught the willowy blonde staring at her; she bit her lip and stepped into the shower.

Santana's eyes fluttered open, light poured in from the curtains she had forgotten to draw. She stretched her hand out across the bed to Brittany's side; a small sigh fell from her lips when she realized she was alone. Rolling over to check the time, Brittany's photo caught her attention, picking it off the nightstand Santana's heart throbbed.

_Why. _She thought to herself. _Why her._ _She was the one thing that made me happy._ A tear slid down her cheek, the blonde looked back at her from the photo, her bright eyes sparkled and her adorable smile stretched across her face.

Hugging the photo tightly to her chest, Santana shut her eyes tightly as more tears fell. She was sick of crying. She was sure she would run out of tears soon.

She could almost feel Brittany's arms around her, the warmth of her body being so close to her own.

"_Come on San, please don't cry" _Brittany would always say _"there's a beautiful day outside waiting for you" _Santana's neck almost tingled where her girlfriend used to kiss her before sliding out of bed.

Opening her eyes, Santana caught a glance of the time. 12.53pm, suddenly she remembered what had happened last night. She knew she shouldn't have run out on Audrey like that. The next time she saw her it was going to lead to her having to explain herself, which Santana was already beginning to dread. She pulled herself out of bed and set the photo frame back on her nightstand. Looking back at the time she suddenly remember she had an appointment with Abigail in seven minutes. She quickly scrambled to wipe her tears and pull on a black jeans and a knitted cream jumper. She pulled on her unlaced boots as she dashed out the door and towards the elevator.

She got to Abigail's office at exactly 1:01, bursting in the door she collapsed down on her usual seat.

"Well good afternoon to you" Abigail said with a chuckle "You certainly look flustered"

Santana took a deep breath "I woke up eight minutes ago" she said

"Oh" Abigail said "Lucky for some, i've been here since 9"

Santana scrunched up her nose "sucks for you" she said like a teenager

Abigail waved a hand in dismissal "All i've been doing so far is talking though, so it could be worse"

Santana bit her lip, wondering what she would be asked today.

"Hows your week been?" Abigail asked

Santana shrugged "fine I guess"

"Anything interesting happen?"

"I made a new friend" Santana said "sort of"

Abigail's eyes widened in delight

"That's great Santana"

"Well, I ran out of her house crying last night so I'm not sure"

"Why was that?"

"She hit a touchy subject"

"Brittany?"

Santana went silent at the mention of her name.

"Ahh" Abigail said

"Why do you think it's so hard for you to talk about her?"

"Because I miss her" Santana said "Because when I talk about her it reminds me she's gone, she's gone and it's my fault"

Santana was surprised that no tears came, just anger and frustration.

"Okay" Abigail said consulting a sheet of paper in front of her "have you been having any of those dreams lately?"

Santana swallowed hard. She didn't want to talk about the dreams.

"Yes but they don't finish how they used to anymore"

"How did they used to finish?"

"She'd die"

"She doesn't die anymore?"

Santana shook her head "I wake up before she does, and sometimes she just doesn't, sometimes they're not even dreams, they're memories and other times I just talk to her, like she's right here, I just get to talk to her"

"What does she say?"

"She tells me not to give up and that it'll be fine, that i'll be fine"

"Do you believe her?"

"No"

"Why not?"

"Why should I? It will never be alright, she's not here"

Abigail twisted her pen around in her fingers "Santana do you take anything before you sleep?"

"I'm supposed to but I don't"

Abigail frowned "Is that because of the dreams?"

"I won't see her if I take something, I can't lose that"

When Santana finally got home she was emotionally exhausted, she pulled on a pair of sweatpants and a jumper and collapsed onto the couch shutting her eyes.

A loud buzzing noise suddenly rang through her apartment a few seconds later. Her eyes opened and she wondered who it could possibly be.

"Just a second" she called out. She ran her fingers through her hair on the way to the door, without looking through the peephole Santana pulled the door open.

"Wha- ohh god" Santana said before she could think. Audrey stood at her door, a her hair was covered in a light dusting of snow, her nose and cheeks were pink and she had a takeaway coffee cup in one hand.

"Hi" Audrey said, almost like nothing was wrong "you didn't come to get your coffee this morning, I was worried" brushing past Santana, she handed her the cup.

_Did I say you could come in?_ Santana thought to herself and took the cup, automatically taking a sip from it.

"I feel like we left on a bad note" Audrey said turning to face Santana "I didn't mean to upset you"

Santana sighed and shut the door.

"Yeah, well I shouldn't have just run out like that"

Audrey was silent for a moment, as her eyes wandered around the apartment, eventually finding their way back to looking at Santana, who was staring at a black and white photo of her and Brittany, that was hanging on the wall.

Audrey followed Santana's gaze, it only took her a second to figure it out.

"Ohmygod" she barely whispered "Santana, I…"

"Don't" Santana interrupted "don't say you're sorry, just don't say anything, you didn't know her"

Audrey took a couple of steps closer to Santana; Santana could feel her eyes on her.

"They say black and white photo's capture the soul" Audrey said after a slight pause "she's beautiful"

"I know" Santana hadn't moved her eyes off the photograph "and it was entirely my fault"

"You shouldn't blame yourself" she said "that's a little harsh"

Santana just shook her head. Feeling her eyes fill with tears "it was my fault, I shouldn't have yelled at her"

Audrey seemed to sense what was coming "hey" she said softly seeing the tears form, she took the cup from Santana's hand and set it down on the table. "You can tell me"

Moving her eyes off the photo Santana looked at the girl in front of her, her green eyes were filled with compassion.

"She died" Santana finally managed to get the words out, Audrey just gave a little nod.

"What was her name?"

"Brittany" Santana said, the name fell off her tongue before she could even think.

"we were in the car, we'd had a fight the night before, I thought she felt something for someone else, she had gotten really sick during the night, so I was taking her to the doctor, and we started arguing again" Santana's voice was shaky, tears fell before she could even say the next part, Audrey suddenly took a step forward and wrapped her arms tightly around the brunette.

"I took my eyes off the road" Santana's fragile body was shaking from the tears "and she wasn't wearing her seatbelt" Audrey rubbed her back trying to provide some form of comfort. "There was a truck coming, and the roads were slippery and….and"

"Shh" Audrey said pulling Santana closer.

"She went through the windscreen" Santana finished Audrey took a deep breath and held Santana close until she was finished crying.

"How long ago was this?" she asked quietly

"Last year" Santana replied and looked down, Audrey cupped Santana's face with her hands and looked into her eyes.

"It'll get better" she said, and Santana sucked in a breath.

"No. it won't" she shook her head "being the reason your girlfriend is dead will never just go away_"_

"Santana, it will, I promise you" Audrey said, letting her hands fall onto Santana's shoulders.

"just stop" Santana said brushing Audrey off her "you don't know anything" there was a long pause.

"I think you should go" she said and started moving towards the door.

"My parents and little brother died in a car crash when I was 14 years old" Audrey's voice echoed through the room and Santana froze.

"I was meant to be going with them, but I was mad at them and decided I was going to stay home" Audrey continued "I spent years regretting not in getting in the car with them"

Santana slowly turned around, Audrey stood in the same place, her hands in her pockets, no tears, nothing.

"You're not crying" Santana said.

"I've had to learn to live without them" Audrey said and shrugged "they'll forever be in my heart, and it kills me every day to know I'll never get to see them, or hug them again, but at some point you have to let go, I'm sure they wouldn't want us dwelling on the past for our whole lives and not enjoying what is out there for us" Santana frowned "don't say that"

Audrey bit her lip "Why, because it's true?"

Santana shook her head "that's exactly what she would have said"

"Then she was a smart girl" the corners of Audrey's mouth turned up a little, forming the smallest smile.

"You have no idea" Santana said and couldn't help smiling a little herself.

"Well" Audrey said walking towards Santana "this has been…heavy, do you want to go do something fun?"

Santana shrugged a little "why not"

The rest of the afternoon passed in a blur. Santana had forgotten she was capable of having a good time. Especially in New York. Audrey had led her all over the city, to her favorite places, they tried strange food, drank way too much coffee, paid for a taxi in only pennies. It was the small things in life that Santana had been missing. The small memories that make up every day, the small things that make you smile and laugh.

"This is the last place I want to show you" Audrey said skipping ahead of Santana and turning around walking backwards. Her smile stretched from ear to ear. The sun was setting and the last rays of light were slipping between the buildings and a lighting Audrey's face.

"This?" Santana looked around, buildings, buildings, tall buildings and road.

"No" Audrey laughed "up there" she pointed up to the towering building beside them. Santana stood there looking up towards the very top of the building.

"Come on" Audrey said and grabbed her hand pulling her towards the entrance.

"Are we even allowed in here?" Santana asked, Audrey just laughed and pulled her towards the stairs.

"Okay, no" Santana said and stopped walking "I am not climbing a thousand flights of stairs just to get to the top, why can't we take the elevator?" "Because, climbing to the top is part of life, you get to the top, you get a reward, and then you can take the elevator on the way back down" Audrey smiled wide.

_Rachel Berry._ Were the first two words that popped into Santana's mind. She rolled her eyes and sighed.

"Fine. Let's do this"

By the time they had reached the top, Audrey had successfully sung The Climb 5 times. Santana had almost pushed her back down the stairs.

They burst through the door to the roof, the remains of the sun was hitting the deck making the rest of the city look magic.

Santana looked around, breathless from the hike up the stairs, but also the beauty of what lay before her.

Audrey tossed her hair over her shoulder dramatically and looked around.

"Gorgeous isn't it?"

"It's beautiful" Santana said and walked towards the edge of the building, leaning over the railing and smiling as Audrey joined her.

"I always feel like I'm on top of the world up here, nothing can touch me" she said and looked at Santana, the light in her hair made it glow almost red.

"Thank you" Santana said

"What for?" Audrey lifted an eyebrow

"This. Everything." Santana said looking at her smiling a little.

Audrey laughed leaning on hand on the railing she watched Santana.

"Sometimes you forget how to live in the moment"

Santana watched her closely "are you an angel?"

Audrey rolled her eyes a little "are you?"

Santana bit her bottom lip and caught Audrey's eyes flick down to her lips then back up to meet her eyes.

Audrey leaned in a little, and Santana found she was being drawn towards her, like a force of gravity. She felt her heart start beating faster as Audrey's lips grazed across her own.

She shut her eyes. Brittany. Big blue eyes stared at her in horror, before filling up with tears and turning away.

"No" Santana gasped, her eyes abruptly opening as she pulled away and started vigorously shaking her head.

"No, no, no" she repeated taking a couple of steps backwards "I can't do this" she glanced at Audrey who slumped against the railing and looked down.

"I shouldn't have…" Santana continued

"Its fine" Audrey said "seriously, it's my fault"

"I have to go" Santana said and pushed the door back into the building open, briskly stepping towards the elevator and hitting the button repetitive times until the doors opened.

As the doors where shutting all she heard was a voice calling out in desperation.

"Santana, wait!"

"Leave me alone" Santana was almost shouting as she stormed down the road with Audrey hot on her tail.

"Why are you being like this?" Audrey said her tone clearly frustrated "I said I was sorry"

"yeah, well sorry doesn't make up for you almost sticking your tongue down my throat" Santana said and kept walking, not breaking her pace for a second.

"My god, you really are letting this get to you aren't you?" Audrey said "it was nothing; we didn't even kiss, so just chill out, it's not like you're going home to Brittany anyway"

Santana spun around and took a step towards Audrey who immediately realized she shouldn't have said anything.

"Don't you_ dare_ talk about her" Santana growled "ever"

Audrey's eyes were wide, she might have even been scared for a split second but Santana was too upset to care. Audrey just nodded. Santana spun on her heel and kept walking.

"I'm so sorry" a voice followed her "that was completely out of line"

Santana didn't say anything; slowing her pace a little as she approached her apartment building she folded her arms and looked down at the pavement.

"You're not ready, I get it" Audrey continued.

"Can you please just go" Santana said quietly "I want to be alone"

"You don't mean that" Audrey said stopping, leaving a couple of meters between them.

"I do" Santana said and choked back tears, pulling the door open and going inside, she knew Audrey would follow her, the elevator doors opened and closed. Audrey was right in there beside her.

"Can we just forget anything ever happened?" Audrey sighed.

The doors opened and she was out, unlocking the door to her place.

"I just can't" Santana said walking out of the room

"Santana, stop it" Audrey almost whined, as she followed Santana "please, just stop it" Santana stopped walking away and turned around to face Audrey, she lifted her eyebrows expectantly, waiting for her to continue.

"I'm not asking you to love me the way you loved Brittany, because I know that will never happen" she paused seeing the look on Santana's face change at the mention of Brittany.

"Look you can deny it all you want, but you do not want to be alone for the rest of your life" she stopped, her voice softening. "Nobody does, at the end of the day everyone just wants someone to come home to, someone who actually gives a damn about them, Santana I know you will never get over Brittany, what you two had was magic, I can tell, I'm just saying to stop pushing people away" Santana stood there with her arms crossed, she wanted to say something, but she was speechless.

"And you have got to stop acting like you are the only one, who is going through this, because you're not, and you're not alone, everyone experiences loss Santana, and there are a lot of people who have to live with something they will regret till the day they die. It takes an incredible amount of strength to go through alone, so if you have someone standing in front of you saying they care about you and will be there for you, as a _friend_, why would you want to push them away?"

Santana looked at her; close to tears she ran her tongue over her front teeth,

"Are you finished?" she asked, holding back tears "because if you are, I think you should go"

Audrey stared at her for a moment "fine" she said rolling her eyes and walking back to the door, she looked back at Santana halfway out the door.

"You know where I am if you decide you need me" she said before disappearing.

Santana fell onto the couch exhausted, looking at her phone she saw she had a new voice message from Quinn.

"Hey San" her cheerful voice made Santana want to cry, she missed her best friend so much.

"You're not picking up, again. So either you have a raging social life or you've gone back into hibernation, I just wanted to check up on you and see if you went to see that Abigail lady or not, anyway give me a call when you get this, I miss you heaps gorgeous"

Santana stared at her phone for minutes after the message had finished, tears fell down her face. She couldn't handle everything on her own. She needed someone. She needed Quinn.

Hitting the call button she listened to the ringer for about a minute hoping that Quinn would pick up and she wasn't busy.

"Santana?" a sleepy voice mumbled from the other end of the line

"Q" Santana's voice was shaky she tried to hold back the tears but it didn't work soft sobs escaped her.

"Sanny what's wrong?" Quinn had obviously been taking a nap, Santana heard the rustling of bed sheets as Quinn propped herself up

"I can't handle anything anymore" she sobbed

"Shhh" Quinns voice soothed Santana almost immediately "baby listen to me, it's okay to be a mess sometimes"

"I'm a disaster" Santana managed in between sobs

"You're strong" Quinn said "Stronger than anyone else I know, but no one expects you to be like that all the time"

Tears poured from Santana's eyes as she listened to Quinns words.

"I need you Quinn" Santana's voice was quiet, barely louder than a whisper

Quinn sighed softly "Santana" she said almost pleadingly

"You're the only person I have left" more tears fell as Santana spoke

"I wish I could come and see you but I have to finish my assignments or I'm not going to pass"

"I get it" Santana sniffled "it's fine"

"It's not fine" Quinn said "I should be there for you"

"Q your grades are important" Santana said wiping her tears

"I'll try and come visit you soon okay?"

"Okay" Santana said quietly

"You should get some sleep, we both should"

"Sorry I woke you"

"You can wake me up at anytime San, I'm here for you"

"I don't deserve you"

"Go to sleep" Santana could hear Quinn smiling

"and Santana"

"Yeah?"

"You're gonna be just fine"


	8. Chapter 8

The cool air blew Santana's hair across her face as she walked down the sidewalk towards the café.

_You can do this _she encouraged herself as she got closer. Santana wasn't exactly an expert at apologies, but it had been 5 days and in the all that time all she had done was sat at home and watched reruns of The Hills. Quite frankly she missed Audrey, and she missed having company, she had just started getting used to being around someone again, then she screwed it up.

Chewing nervously on her bottom lip Santana pushed the door open, the familiar sound of the bell overhead rang as she entered. The counter was abandoned; a bubble of disappointment grew inside her as she realized Audrey might not be here today.

"Well, well" a voice said from behind her and Santana immediately spun around "look who the wind blew in" Audrey stood on the other side of the almost completely empty cafe, a table cleaning cloth in one hand a tray of dirty dishes balancing on her other arm.

"Hi" Santana said, she felt her heartbeat quicken as she looked at Audrey

"What can I do for you?" Audrey asked, Santana immediately noticed how short Audrey was being with her, she clearly still frustrated about the other night.

Santana watched her load some more plates onto her tray then wipe the cloth over the table.

"I, um…" Santana played with her fingers finding it difficult to form words "I wanted to apologize" she finally said and Audrey looked up, her hair was in a messy ponytail and the sleeves of her tight navy blue top were pushed up to her elbows. She looked at Santana expectantly, waiting for her to continue.

"I didn't mean to be such a bitch to you" she said and looked at Audrey "it just sort of happens sometimes" she paused and Audrey stayed where she was standing quietly "I miss you" she said and Audrey looked away, then started heading towards the counter.

Santana watched her in confusion, hoping she would say something.

"I'm sorry…" Santana said again all hope she had that Audrey would just forgive her had faded. When Audrey still said nothing she shook her head a little and turned for the door. Although she didn't know Audrey that well, she still felt like their connection could have been something, and now she'd lost that. Her stomach knotted tightly, making her feel sick, the feeling of loss was already creeping through her as she reached for the door.

"Santana" Audrey said coming back around to the other side of the counter "wait a second"

Santana sucked in a breath and turned around "I shouldn't have been so up front with you" Santana looked at her, the green eyed girl's eyes met with hers "I know it's not something you really want to hear, I know I certainly didn't at the time" she bit her lip and played with her thumbs "I just don't like seeing you so empty, because I can tell that's just not who you are"

Santana felt a little smile tugging at the corners of her mouth.

"I came off too harsh and I'm the one who should be sorry, I realize that everyone is different when it comes to dealing with loss, and I just want to be there for you" she said and looked down at her hands.

"Audrey" Santana said taking a few steps closer to the girl, and she looked up "does this mean we're good?" The green eyed girl exhaled in relief and nodded.

"Yes" she said and suddenly pulled Santana into a hug "I missed you" she said and held Santana tightly.

A feeling of warmth flooded Santana as she was embraced by the other girl. There was something so secure about being in someone else's arms, something that Santana had been missing for a long time, something that she needed.

"Well, my shift officially finished 2 minutes ago" Audrey said and pulled away "do you wanna come over for dinner, or something?"

Santana found herself nodding before she even had the chance to think about it.

"Okay, perfect" Audrey said taking off her waitress apron and grabbing her bag from behind the counter "I need to go and pick up some things first though, is that fine?"

Santana smiled "yeah" she said "that's fine" and as the girls left the café, for the briefest moment, Brittany wasn't on Santana's mind, at all.

"There's just this really, really cute little desert store that is to die for" Audrey said as her and Santana walked along the sidewalk by Central Park "I have to take you there"

"I'd love to" Santana said but Audrey was distracted, looking the other way.

"Ohmygod" she said and suddenly detoured off the sidewalk into Central Park, she dragged Santana along behind her as she rushed toward a flower stall.

"What are you…?" Santana asked trying to pull her arm back, she looked up and choked on her words "holy shit" she muttered under her breath as she saw the back of a guy in tight red pants that sat just above the ankle, a black and white buttoned t-shirt tucked into his pants, no socks with his shoes. _That looks exactly like…_she thought just as Audrey called out "Blaine"

The short guy with short dark curly hair spun around on his heel, his face lit up as he saw Audrey and giant smile spread across his face.

"Hey" he said excitedly and gave her a quick hug, before glancing up at Santana whose mouth had almost fallen completely open.

"Blaine, this is my friend…"

"Santana Lopez" Blaine finished "I'd recognize that face anywhere" his usual bright smile remained tightly glued to his face. He stepped towards her and pulled her into a tight hug.

"Wait, you two know each other?" Audrey looked between them confused

"Yeah of course we do" Blaine said before Santana could even get a word in

"Hobbit Warbler and I went to high school together" Santana said and let out a small sigh, she had sworn she would never see any of the Glee club members again after she graduated, but so far that plan had been completely turned upside down.

Blaine chuckled at the nickname that used to be insulting to him.

"We were in Glee club together" he said and Audrey's mouth fell open.

"Is she one of the cheerleaders you mentioned?" she asked and Santana's eyes widened a little.

"Whoa there" she said "this is already creepy enough, let's not make it worse"

"It's a small world" Blaine said shaking his head in disbelief

"Maybe too small" Santana commented

Blaine looked at Santana and his eyes met hers, she awkwardly looked away, eye contact was something she was never comfortable with.

I'm so sorry about Brittany" he said in that sympathetic tone everyone used, he reached out and touched her shoulder, Santana swallowed hard and pulled the sleeves of her forest green jumper over her hands, looking down.

"and I'm so sorry Kurt and I couldn't make the funeral" he said, she could feel his big puppy eyes on her still, she glanced up at him, the nauseous feeling she got whenever someone else mentioned Brittany welled up in her stomach, making her feel light headed.

"K-Kurt?" she managed to force out the words

"Yeah, you remember him" Blaine said, his voice still carried the sympathetic tone that made Santana want to slap him. Of course she remembered Kurt; he wasn't somebody you could easily forget.

"You're still together?" she asked and Blaine nodded

"We are, in fact, I was just getting some flowers and going to head over to The Waverly to meet him, we're going scarf shopping, well, he is, I'm just going to hold his bags" Blaine and Audrey both laughed. Santana was suddenly feeling numb and about to faint. The thought of Blaine and Kurt still being happy together was sickening, she didn't know whether it was just because she no longer had Brittany to do stupid things like scarf shopping with, or if it was because their relationship was actually repulsive to her.

Santana stood there; it felt like everything was spinning around her, getting faster and faster, all she could hear was Brittany's laugh, memories of Glee club flashed through her mind; all the millions of times they sat next to each other in the choir room, holding hands, resting her head on Brittany's shoulder, dancing together, singing together.

"Santana?" Audrey's voice cut through the montage in Santana's head, bringing her back to the moment "are you okay?" suddenly Santana could feel Audrey's arm slip around her waist, just in time, she felt like she was going to collapse, her legs felt like jelly, she couldn't hold herself up anymore everything was too heavy, she let Audrey take most of her weight and Blaine looked at her worried.

"I'm…I'm fine" she said, she could hear her heart beating in her ears, she knew she wasn't fine.

Blaine and Audrey quickly helped her over to a bench and sat her down.

"Oh god, she's gone so pale" Audrey said, Santana heard her voice but it sounded so far away, her eyes were going hazy and she was suddenly feeling extremely tired.

"Have you eaten anything today?" Blaine asked her and she opened her mouth to speak but nothing came out.

"I just want Brittany" she said quietly and Blaine and Audrey exchanged a look.

"I…I need her" Santana managed to whimper, she could feel tears falling down her face, a few people who walked past her were giving her strange and concerned looks. She didn't care, suddenly the weight of everything was too much for her, and she felt her vision going blurry, as Audrey was suddenly rummaging in her bag for a phone.

"Santana" Blaine said, his hands were on her legs, he crouched in front of her "Santana, come on, stay with us" he said but she couldn't, she was too exhausted, her eyelids felt heavy she fought to keep them open but eventually let them win.


	9. Chapter 9

"What are you doing?" Brittany asked and Santana looked up at her, tears filled her eyes. "I can't do it Britt" she said as the tears spilled down her cheeks "I just can't"

"You can do anything Santana" Brittany frowned and reached out for Santana, Santana shook her head as Brittany took her in her arms, pulling Santana against her tightly.

"It's just so hard" she whimpered as her tears kept falling "I miss you so much"

"I know" the blonde said and kept her arms around Santana tightly, keeping her close and secure.

"I want to be with you" Santana said and pressed her lips to Brittany's neck, her skin was cold.

"And you will be" Brittany replied and rubbed circles on Santana's back "but not yet"

Santana lifted her head and looked at Brittany who looked back at her, their eyes locked, a tear slipped down Brittany's cheek.

"Why" Santana asked "Why are you doing this to me, stop making me wait" she said her voice was pained "I need to be with you"

"You have your whole life ahead of you Santana" Brittany said, her arms still around her girlfriend.

"But you did too…" Santana said "and I fucked it up" her heart felt like it was being torn apart at the thought of that day.

Brittany shook her head "it wasn't your fault" Santana looked at her confused

"What do you mean?" she managed between sobs "it was completely my fault"

Brittany ran her thumb across Santana's cheek, wiping the tears as they fell.

"I wasn't wearing my seatbelt, Santana" Brittany said "if I had been, then we wouldn't be in this pickle"

Santana shook her head refusing to believe it was Brittany's fault.

"Santana" Brittany's voice was soft, like velvet "stop it, please" Santana looked away, she wanted to stop crying, and she wanted to show Brittany that she was being strong, but she just couldn't, not anymore.

"Baby…" Brittany pouted and turned Santana's face back to her own and started peppering it with kisses "we'll be together again, I promise"

"I don't want to wait forever" Santana said and ran her fingers through Brittany's hair "I can barely go an hour without you, and to know that I don't get to see you, or feel you, I can't Brittany, I just can't"

"You can, Santana, you're strong and you're brave and you're not alone" Brittany tried her best to reassure the broken raven haired girl that stood in her arms, her tears slowly shredding her to even smaller pieces.

"I'm alone" Santana said clinging onto Brittany, her warmth was starting to come back, Santana could almost smell the sweet sugary smell of Brittany's skin, she never wanted to let her go.

"I'm alone without you" she said and looked up at Brittany, taking in every inch of her perfect face.

"Be brave for me Santana" Brittany said and Santana felt her arms slipping away from around her own body. She shook her head and tried to hold onto Brittany as she started fading away.

"Don't be afraid" Brittany's voice was a whisper "I love you"

* * *

><p>Santana's eyes fluttered open, a fluorescent white ceiling filled her vision, she looked around the room, white walls surrounded her. Dried tears sat around her eyes as she looked down at herself coming to realization that the only place that she could possibly be was the hospital.<p>

People come here to die she thought to herself and let her head fall back against the pile of pillows behind her. It should be me. She sighed and looked at the needle that was stuck in her arm, frowning it lead her eyes down to the long scar that ran along her forearm. She shifted uncomfortably on the hospital bed, her eyes caught sight of a familiar figure asleep on the visitors chair next to her bed.

"Quinn?" she croaked in surprise

The blonde stirred and lifted her head from the back of the chair sleepily looking at Santana a smile crossed her face.

"Hi" she said the sound of her familiar voice was like a comfort blanket to Santana "You're awake"

Confusion clouded Santana's mind as she tried to make sense of what happened, she looked at Quinn her dark eyes were still vaguely vacant.

"What's going on?" she asked frowning her voice thick and husky

Quinn sat forward and rubbed her tired eyes, she was in grey and blue Yale sweatpants and big cardigan, her hair was a mess and she had no make-up on, it looked like she had left her house in a hurry without bothering to change.

"You passed out" she replied "in Central Park" Santana shut her eyes in embarrassment.

"You were lucky Blaine and your friend were there, they called an ambulance and you were here in ten minutes, Blaine told Kurt and Kurt told Rachel who called me immediately and I got in my car straight away, your friend only left when I got here, I told her to go home and get some rest"

Quinn's hand had found it's way to Santana's and she ran her fingers over it delicately.

"She's really quite pretty isn't she, what was her name, Audrey?" Quinn smirked slightly

Santana shook her head overwhelmed by everything Quinn had just explained to her

"How long was I out?" she asked carefully avoiding Quinn's comment on Audrey

Quinn was quiet for a moment, she looked down at her lap and let out a small sigh

"They said you went into a coma" her eyes met Santana's "but luckily you were out for just over a day"

Santana's mouth fell open in shock, she didn't move her eyes off Quinns as she tried to process.

"You don't need to say anything" Quinn said comfortingly giving Santana's hand a squeeze "I know it's a lot to take in"

Santana shook her head "Thank you" she said weakly

Quinn smiled "What for?"

"For coming here"

"Well I had too, I needed to know that you were going to be alright" she paused "and I wanted to see you"

Santana felt a smile tug at the corners of her mouth "I've missed you"

Quinn bit her lip "I was going to come and see you sooner, I wanted to talk to you but I was just…"

Her sentence was cut off as the doors suddenly swung open and Audrey walked in with a coffee in her hand.

"Oh my god" she exclaimed seeing Santana was awake, she rushed over to the bed then stopped seeing Quinns hand over Santana's she looked between them.

"How are you feeling?" she asked quietly choosing to ignore what she had seen

"Overwhelmed" Santana said giving her a little smile

An awkward silence filled the space between the three girls, Quinn caught Audrey's eyes on her and she subtly withdrew her hand from Santana's, although she had no reason to be awkward about their relationship but for some reason she felt like the intruder.

"Um I might go get something to eat" she said standing up

"Wait" Santana said reaching out and grabbing Quinns hand

"You're not _leaving_ are you?"

Quinn chuckled and shook her head "Of course not"

Letting her hand drop from Quinn's Santana smiled "okay good, do you have somewhere to stay?"

Quinn shook her head "I'll find a place don't worry"

"You can stay at mine" Santana said quickly for some reason not wanting Quinn to be out of her sight

"Are you're sure?" A gleam of happiness sparked behind Quinn's eyes

Santana nodded "of course"

"Okay" a grin spread across Quinns face "I'll come back later"

Audrey looked between the girls as Quinn left chewing on her lip awkwardly she wondered whether it had been a good idea for her to come.

"You two seem…close" she said when Quinn had gone

Santana looked at her and sighed "Yeah were we at high school together, we were top of the cheerleading team and joined glee club together and everything"

Audrey nodded and looked down at the coffee cup in her hands

"Was I like, interrupting something?" she asked quietly

Santana lifted an eyebrow "she's just my friend Aud"

"Didn't seem like that" Audrey muttered Santana rolled her eyes

"Brittany was my girl" Santana said "my one and only, Quinn is my best friend"

"What about the other one?" Audrey asked

"What other one?"

"The brunette who was crying everywhere"

Santana paused for a moment in thought

"Rachel?"

"Yeah" Audrey said looking back up at her "Rachel"

Santana couldn't help but laugh "Rachel cried?"

Audrey nodded with a small smile "they told us you were in a coma and she burst into tears"

Santana shook her head "that's just weird"

Audrey stayed with Santana for a couple of hours, the awkwardness dropped and they went back to being comfortable with each other, but Santana couldn't stop thinking about what Quinn was about to tell her before Audrey had arrived. Several nurses and doctors came in to check on her, they removed the needle from her arms and tube from her nose, they took her blood pressure and checked her heartbeat. Santana started feeling a lot better, the slow throbbing at the back of her head was fading and she almost felt ready to go home.

"It shouldn't even be beating anymore" Santana wanted to say to them "I should have died with my girlfriend, or at least instead of her"

Quinn came back after a couple of hours, Audrey had already gone to start her shift, so when Quinn slipped back into the room with a had a brown paper bag in hand a smile immediately spread across her face.

"I'm back" she said in a sing-song voice

"Do you come bearing gifts?" Santana asked looking at the bag she was holding

"I come bearing food" she said "I know how much hospital food sucks"

"You are my savior" Santana grinned as Quinn sat down next to her and handed her the bag

"I saw Rachel" Quinn said watching Santana as she pulled out a chicken panini and stared at it like it was the first food she had seen in years

"What'd she say?" Santana said distracted

"She asked how you were and then she invited us to a Thanksgiving party with Kurt and Blaine and some guy called Brody"

"Brody?" Santana mumbled with her mouth stuffed full

"Yeah some new guy of hers apparently"

Santana widened her eyes in surprise "what about Finn?"

Quinn shrugged "no idea"

"She also said to bring Audrey"

Santana wiped her mouth and took a swig from the orange juice bottle.

"Oh"

"What's up with you two anyway?" she asked

"Nothing" Santana said inspecting the rest of her panini

"Come on you know you can't lie to me"

"She kissed me" Santana said dismissively and Quinn raised an eyebrow

"She's just my friend though, I don't…I'm not ready for anyone else"

Quinn nodded understandingly "Brittana forever right"

Santana looked up at Quinn a sparkle in her eyes "Absolutely, you're like the only person that gets it" Santana sighed

"Everyone else tries to push me into going out and meeting people, I don't want to, I don't want anyone but Brittany and if I can't have her then I'm gonna be alone"

She looked at Quinn and noticed that she quickly glanced away as their eyes met.

"Anyway, you were going to tell me something before Audrey came by"

"Oh yeah" Quinn said softly "doesn't matter though, it wasn't important"

"You sure?" Santana asked unconvinced

"Yeah" Quinn said looking at her making brief eye contact

At that moment the doctor came in with a clipboard.

"Miss Lopez" he said signing something at the bottom of the page "if you could just sign here then you're free to go"

Santana took the clipboard from him and quickly signed her name.

"I have these for you also" he said handing her a vial of tablets "these are for your head they'll make you feel a lot better, and these" he said placing another vial in her hand "are anti-depressants, I know you've had quite a bit of trauma, these might help a little bit"

Santana studied in the vials in her hand and tried not to sigh, she hated taking pills and she hated people trying to convince her that by taking them it would help. It wouldn't change anything. It wouldn't bring Brittany back, so it was pointless.

"I'll make sure she takes them, thank you" Quinn said when Santana failed to reply

The doctor smiled "if you need anything at all just come back" he turned to Quinn "and just check her when she's sleeping, we don't want her slipping back into that coma again, she shouldn't, but it always pays to be careful"

Quinn nodded "Okay thank you" she said as he left


	10. Chapter 10

"I saw her" Santana said she was leaning back relaxed in her usual chair at Abigail's office

"It was like we were both in-between life and death"

Abigail noted things down while Santana spoke.

"I haven't seen her since then, I'm scared I never will"

Abigail studied Santana's face

"Am I crazy?" Santana asked

Abigail shook her head immediately "No, you're not, you're fascinating"

"Is that a good thing?"

"I think so" she smiled "You know Santana, you're doing a lot better these past few weeks, aside from your hospital drama if you wanted to stop coming to see me I actually think you'd be completely fine"

Santana sat forward and looked at her with wide eyes "really?"

"yes, really"

Sinking back into her chair Santana shook her head

"I don't feel ready, there is so much I can't handle and you help, a lot"

"I'm not saying you have to go Santana, only if you wanted too"

"I'm staying" Santana said the words came from her mouth before she even thought

Abigail smiled "I'll see you in a week then"

Santana nodded "I'll be here"

"I heard you've got a friend in town" Abigail said

"Yeah Quinn, she came when she found out I was in hospital and she decided to stay for Thanksgiving"

"I'd love to meet her sometime" Abigail said with her usual warm smile

"I'll be sure to bring her by" Santana said

When Santana got home the blinds were half drawn and a soft dim light filled the room, the smell of coffee and toast circulated and the soft hum of music played from the laptop on the coffee table. Quinn lay asleep on the couch, her honey blonde hair had fallen across her face and her chest rose and fell silently.

Wandering over to the couch Santana picked up a piece of Quinn's jam toast, it was still warm so she must have just fallen asleep, taking a bite out of it the crunch filled the room.

"Don't eat my toast San" Quinn mumbled from the couch

Lifting an eyebrow she placed the toast back down on the plate.

"You better wake up and eat it then sleepyhead" Santana sat down on the couch pushing Quinns legs out of the way. She mumbled and stretched out, opening her sleepy golden green eyes, she ran a hand through her tousled blonde hair.

"I didn't mean to fall asleep" she said sitting up and looking at Santana like a child that had just woken up

"I was waiting for you to get home"

"It's like two in the afternoon you grandma" Santana said giving her a playful push

"Shuddup" Quinn said taking a bite out of her toast "do you want some more?" she held the toast in front of Santana's mouth and she took a bite

"Good news" Santana said when she had finished her mouth full "i'm not crazy"

Quinn gasped

"You're sane?" she pretended to be shocked "that's groundbreaking news"

Santana rolled her eyes and smiled "Abigail said if i wanted to stop going to see her I could"

"Are you going to?" Quinn licked the jam off her fingers and took a sip of her coffee

Santana shook her head "I like talking to her, it helps"

Quinn smiled "I'm really glad that you're starting to feel better"

Santana bit her lip "I'm really glad that you're here"

She watched Quinn flush a light shade of pink and look down at the mug in her hands with a cheesy smile

"Don't do that" Quinn said quietly

"Don't do what?" Santana asked poking Quinn's leg lightly

"Be so cute" Quinn said shaking her head taking another sip from her coffee then placing it down on the table

"It's frustrating" she went to stand up but Santana quickly grabbed her hand and pulled her back down

"What is?" she asked Quinn, there legs were tangled together and Santana's hand remained half holding on to Quinn's.

Quinn could feel the Santana's warmth on her arm, the gentle blow of her breath, a shiver ran down her spine as their eyes met. Santana swore she could almost feel Quinn's heart beating. The first loud healthy heart beat she had heard since Brittany's.

Quinn shook her head again "Don't" she said looking at Santana with a unreadable look in her eyes. They sat there entwined in each other for another moment before Quinn quickly pulled herself up off the couch and disappeared into the kitchen.

Santana remained sitting on the couch. What just happened she asked herself. What the hell was that. Why did she feel like she actually wanted to kiss Quinn.

She shook it off her mind and decided it was probably best not to mention it again.

That night Quinn decided she was on dinner, while Santana was in the shower she ordered pizza, cleared the and set table which had obviously not have been used as a place of eating in a very long time, and poured two glasses of wine. As she took one for herself she looked around Santana's apartment, a few boxes still remained stacked against the wall with the Brittany's name printed across them in black ink. There were only two photos out, which Quinn found slightly surprising, she always thought Santana would have her walls plastered with photos of Brittany, one photo sat on the coffee table of Brittany and Santana the day they moved in together. Quinn had taken that photo, she had spent hours helping the two of the girls move endless amounts of boxes into their own place. She had never seen any two people more happy together than they were. The other photo hung on the wall, it was of all three of them in their McKinley High Cheerios uniform. Quinn smiled as she looked at the photo, everything was so simple back then. She never would have expected that she would have lost one of her friends so early, her heart ached for Brittany, the three girls in the photo with bright eyes and big smiles looked backed at her. Quinn took a sip of her wine and turned around to see Santana behind her. Startled, she took a step back banging into the wall.

"I love that photo" Santana said before Quinn could speak "we looked so happy"

Quinn turned around having another look at the photo "do you ever wish that….we could just go back"

"Everyday" Santana said her gaze rested on Quinn before she turned back around and admired the dinner set up

"This is amazing Q" Santana said smiling wandering over to the table and picking up her glass of wine

"well, you do deserve the best" Quinn said following her over

Santana looked at her with her big brown eyes and Quinn watched as the corners of her mouth turned up

"What's that look for?" Quinn asked smiling

"Nothing, just, thank you" Santana said breaking her eyes away from Quinn's and looking at the table

"i think you forgot something" she said looking at the empty plates, she looked back over at Quinn

"food"

"Ahh yes" Quinn said with a cheeky grin "it should be coming right…" she looked at her watchless wrist

"now"

At that exact moment there was a knock on the door, both the girls looked at each other and began to laugh. Quinn walked over to the door and opened it.

"Oh" she said the disappointment that flooded her voice could not be hidden

"Is this a bad time?" Audrey's voice entered the apartment and Santana put down her glass of wine and tilted her head to see around the door

"No, not at all" Santana immediately noticed Quinn's forced smile

"We were just waiting for the pizza to arrive, come in"

Audrey came inside, having not seemed to notice Quinn's standoffish behaviour.

"Sanny" Audrey grinned and threw her arms around Santana "it must be good to be home"

Santana wasn't used to Audrey's overenthusiastic energy, she gave the auburn haired girl a light hug back and smiled.

"Is everything alright?" Santana asked her

"Of course" Audrey smiled "I just wanted to stopover and make sure you were okay"

Santana smiled glancing over at Quinn who still hovered by the door almost as if she was waiting to show Audrey out.

"Well everything's pretty A+ here, not only is my best friend here, but she's ordered food and we're actually going to eat at the table for once" Santana smirked

This time it was Audrey's turn to flash a fake smile, she let out a polite laugh and her eyes shifted around the room awkwardly

"Oh before i forget, are you doing anything for Thanksgiving tomorrow? I don't know if Blaine told you but they're having a little dinner party with a couple of my old friends, feel free to come…if you want" Santana said and Audrey looked back at her with a genuine smile

"I'd love too" she said "I should get going now, I didn't mean to intrude"

"No problem" Quinn interjected opening the door again for Audrey

Santana lifted an eyebrow, she couldn't understand what was going on with these two.

"Have a good evening" Audrey said politely as she left

"Likewise" Quinn said giving a small smile before shutting the door

"What was that about?" Santana asked but before Quinn could answer there was another knock at the door

"Really" Quinn muttered under her breath, but when she opened the door thankfully it was just the pizza guy.

"She really has impeccable timing doesn't she" Quinn said after they'd sat down and started having dinner

"Who?" Santana asked before shoveling a piece of hot cheese pizza into her mouth

"Audrey" Quinn said "she always seems to come at the right time"

"That's what she said" Santana giggled wiggling her eyebrows at Quinn, who couldn't help but roll her eyes

"I can sense the sarcasm coming off that" Santana smirked "but still, wanky"

Quinn laughed "and you would know would you?"

Santana frowned a bit, looking at her friend shocked "I didn't sleep with her Quinn"

"I know, I know I was just teasing" she replied but Santana couldn't help but notice the look of relief behind her hazel eyes.

"What is it that you've been trying to tell me Q?"

Quinn shook her head investigating her piece of pizza with a sudden great interest

"Come on" Santana said dragging out her words slowly

"No" Quinn said "honestly it's nothing"

Santana sighed and watched Quinn pick at the crust on her plate, there was something bothering her, that much was obvious, she just didn't understand why it was so hard to admit it.

"So" Quinn said a smile playing at the corners of her mouth "are you ready for seeing our favorite losers tomorrow night?"

Santana leaned back in her chair and laughed

"I will never be ready to see those people, love them as I do"

"I haven't seen Kurt in so long" Quinn said "Rachel either"

Santana lifted an eyebrow, something in her head clicked. It suddenly made sense to her, this about seeing Rachel again. Quinn had been acting strange since she had told Santana about Rachel's new guy. _Oh god _ Santana suddenly thought _poor Quinn_.


	11. Chapter 11

"Santana!"

Rachel's voice was unmistakable. The tiny brunette tossed her arms around Santana and squeezed her tightly.

"It's so good to see you" she squealed "i'm so glad you're okay, you gave us all such a fright"

Santana had barely made it in the door of Rachel's flashy mid-town Manhattan apartment before her old school frenemy had burst through the door and leapt on her.

"Quinn!" she shrieked a couple of seconds later letting go of Santana and discarding her like a child with a unwanted toy, Santana stepped into Rachel's house pulling off her big winter coat the warmth of the room wrapped around her like a blanket. The scent of roast turkey and vegetables wafted through to the living room where Blaine was standing with a muscular built guy who Santana assumed to be Brody.

"You look like you've just stepped out of a Abercrombie and Fitch catalogue" Santana said to Brody picking up a flute of champagne and joining the two boys conversation

"or, you've broken out of my eight year old cousins Barbie dream house, to get away from that plastic slut wife of yours, Ken"

"Santana" Blaine said giving a nervous sounding laugh "so glad you could make it"

Santana gave him a quick smile before turning back to Brody

"I don't think we've met" she said sticking her available hand out

"Santana Lopez" he said before she could "I've heard plenty about you"

"All good things I hope" she said with a smirk

"Only the best" he said and smiled

"So" Santana said "where's porcelain?"

'Oh god" Kurt's voice came from the kitchen "no one's called me that in years"

The baby faced boy emerged from the kitchen with a tea towel thrown over his shoulder and an ovenmit on one hand

"Hello you" he said pulling Santana into a hug "it's been to long"

"Has it really" Santana said smirking then hugging him back tightly

"look who's here everyone" Rachel sing songed causing everyone to turn around "this is Audrey, Audrey this is everyone"

Santana's stomach took a strange plummet as soon as she saw the auburn haired girl, she didn't understand why as she had been fine with Audrey not even a week ago. It was ever since Quinn had arrived, ever since she had last dreamt of Brittany.

_Brittany _Santana thought, maybe it was Brittany's way of telling her no. Chewing on her bottom lip Santana realized she hadn't dreamt of Brittany at all for over a week. This never happens Santana thought, a sudden panic arising in her, and her heart began to beat faster.

Audrey walked over to her with a big smile on her face, as Quinn and Rachel continued to gossip by the doors. Santana's heart was racing now, what if she never saw Brittany ever again? What if it was all Audrey's fault? Why had she let herself be so stupid.

"Can I talk to you?" Audrey asked quietly and Santana nodded following Audrey into the next room

Yes she thought, good. I'm going to straighten everything out with her. This has to stop she told herself, she couldn't lose Brittany in her dreams as well, she couldn't deal with that.

"I don't know what's going on" Audrey admitted once they were out of earshot of anyone else

"With?" Santana asked

"With us"

"Oh"

Audrey frowned a little "see, I thought you were into me a little, even though you tried to deny it, and then…" her voice trailed off and she looked away

"And then _she _came along and suddenly it's like you hate me"

Santana traced the top of her champagne flute with her finger

"I'm sorry" she said

Audrey lifted an eyebrow "that's it?"

Santana sighed "no, it's not"

"Well then what?" Audrey asked folding her arms looking ever so slightly impatient

"She's gone" Santana said

"Who?"

"Brittany"

"I know" Audrey said confused

"No, I mean she's gone from my dreams, I used to be able to talk with her…and now she's gone, and it's your fault"

Audrey's eyes widened at the accusation she was hearing

"My fault?" she exclaimed

"Yeah" Santana said a frown forming on her face "Because it's like i'm cheating on her, and I don't want to, I'm not interested in someone else and you've made her disappear and I can't be near you anymore"

"Santana…" Audrey tried to reach out and touch Santana but she quickly pulled away

"Don't" she said "You've ruined it, you've ruined everything, if I never see her again I'll never forgive you"

Tears prickled in Santana's eyes "she was my soulmate" she found herself almost shouting "she was the love of my life, and by some miraculous chance I got to still see her in my dreams and you have ruined that, she's gone, it's been over a week and it's not fair, it's not fucking fair"

A heartbroken expression wore heavily on Audrey's face as she wiped away an escaped tear from her cheek and looked away from Santana

"I'm sorry" Audrey said "I just wanted to be there for you, you deserve someone"

"Well don't" Santana shouted "just get away"

Audrey nodded, and without another word she slipped past Santana and walked towards the door. The others stared after her in shock. Quinn immediately rushed towards Santana holding her arms out Santana collapsed into them with soft sobs, not caring who was staring at her.

"Santana" a voice interrupted making Santana look up over Quinn's shoulder

A tall slim blonde stood in the middle of the lounge, her sunshine blonde hair was cascading over her shoulders and her eyes were sparkling a bright blue. She had on a t-shirt with a cat's face and mismatched socks. Santana's mouth fell open.

"Stella" the name slipped from Santana's mouth, almost as an out loud reminder to herself that it wasn't Brittany.

The younger Pierce smiled and Santana's heart twisted and ached. She looked too much like Brittany. It was almost hard to look at her.

"Can we talk" she asked

Santana followed Stella into Rachel's room and they sat on the edge of the bed

"You've grown up so much" Santana said picking up a strand of Stella's hair and twirling it around her finger

"You look just like her too"

Stella's cheeks flushed a light pink and she looked down at her hands in her lap "that's what mom and dad say too"

"It's a good thing…" Santana said tapping her nose lightly

"and a bad thing" Stella said looking up at Santana, her eyes were bigger than Brittany's, however the sparkle was exactly the same. But for the first time Santana saw Stella Pierce sitting in front of her, not a baby Brittany.

"You're beautiful Stella" Santana said with a small smile "I'm so sorry it's been so long I should have come and visited but..."

"But it's hard" Stella said "I get it"

Silence filled the room but Santana wasn't uncomfortable, she knew Stella really did understand, somehow, she didn't hate Santana for what happened.

"How are your parents?" Santana broke the silence

"They're okay" she replied "it's still weird without her though, I never really noticed how much happiness she bought into our family until she was gone"

"She was perfect" Santana said, her voice barely above a whisper

"She was everything to them" Stella said quietly "they used to call me Brittany all the time, now they don't so much, but I think they loved her more then they love me, they are always getting so mad at me, they never got mad at her, she never had fights with them"

"Don't say that" Santana said looking at her furrowing her brow "of course they love you as much as they loved her, and she did fight with them"

A small smile grew on her face "she used to fight with them about me, she wanted to spend every minute with me and, well I think any parent would think that's unhealthy so they would get into fights about that"

Stella smiled a little "I miss her"

"I miss her too, every minute"

"You know some nights I would cry myself to sleep because it hurt thinking about you"

"Me?" Santana asked

Stella nodded "I couldn't imagine how hard it was for you, she was my sister, but she was your other half, you were in love with her and she was madly in love with you"

"I'm still in love with her" Santana said a tear slipping down her cheek "I always will be"

Stella wrapped her arms around Santana and pulled her close, Santana felt the warmth of Stella's body against her own and another tear fell.

"What are you even doing here kiddo?" Santana finally asked when she had pulled herself back together

"I came to give you this" Stella said pulling a envelope out of her pocket

"What's this?" Santana asked taking it from her and turning it over in her hands

"It's from her"

Santana's eyes widened and her heart skipped a beat, but not in a good way.

"What? That's impossible"

"Nothing's impossible" Stella said "She wrote it before the accident and told me to give it to you when the time was right"

Santana shook her head, nothing made sense, her head was suddenly spinning and her palms were sweaty.

"But" Santana shook her head again "No, how did she know"

"She didn't"

Santana looked at Stella as she put her hand over Santana's shaking one.

"Santana, Brittany had cancer"

Everything suddenly stopped around Santana. Her heart dropped. Her stomach lurched. Her head was spinning. The envelope fell from her hands.

"San" Stella turned Santana's face to look at hers "please breathe"

Inhale. Exhale. Santana thought. She felt the air fill her lungs, then she slowly breathed it out.

"She never…she never told me" Santana struggled to make a sentence

"She didn't want to hurt you, she didn't know how much time she had left and she didn't want her last moments to be seeing you upset"

"No" Santana shook her head "No, that can't be true"

"Santana i'm so sorry"

Santana kept shaking her head "Brittany…"

Stella picked the envelope back up and placed it in Santana's hands.

"Just read it" she said softly

Santana fumbled to get it out, everything was shaky, her eyes felt blurry and her head felt as if it was going to fall off. As she unfolded the letter tears began to fall again, the familiar colorful handwriting done in crayon filled the page.

De_ar Santana,_

_If you're reading this now, I guess that means I've been gone a while. Stella's smart, smarter than me so I bet she found the perfect time to give this to you. Firstly I want to say I love you. Even now. I'll love you forever and always, don't you ever forget it. Secondly, I haven't gone far, so if you miss me just look up, I'm right up there watching over you. You're never alone. I told you I'd never leave you and I still haven't. And thirdly I want to say I'm sorry, sorry I'm not really there anymore to hug you and kiss you and feed you ice cream when you're sad. I wish we could have grown old together and had 53 children and cats. I miss you Sanny. I miss you a lot. _

_I really just wrote this so you can be happy. I want you to remember me, but I also want you to find someone else special and let them love you too. Because I don't want you to be alone baby. You don't deserve to be alone. You deserve to be happy and I want you to have someone who you can make you happy. _

_So, I told Stella to give you this letter when she thinks the time is right, whether you've already found someone, or not, just when she thinks you're ready, ready to move on. With and without me. _

_I want you to know that it's okay to let someone else make you happy. _

_I'll always be a part of you. And you'll always be a part of me._

_And we'll never forget each other. _

_But you have such a full exciting life ahead of you, and you have to go live it for both of us._

_I love you Santana. _

_This isn't goodbye forever, just for now xoxoxo_


	12. Chapter 12

**EPILOGUE - 8 MONTHS LATER**

"Happy Birthdaaay sleepyhead" Quinn's voice jolted Santana from her sleep, she immediately sat up and saw her best friend sitting on the end of her bed holding a cupcake with a candle in it.

"Quinny!" she grinned and clambered across her bed throwing her arms around the blonde and hugging her closely, inhaling the sweet smell of icing sugar and strawberry.

"Surprise" Quinn grinned and kissed Santana's cheek

"What are you doing here?" Santana said keeping her arms around Quinn

"I thought you had a final exam?"

"I lied" Quinn smirked "I didn't want to miss your birthday"

Santana grinned "Now I have a date to my own party Audrey's throwing me"

Quinn giggled "I'd be honored"

Santana bit her lip and looked at Quinn. Two months ago they'd kissed, and she hadn't to this day stopped thinking about it.

"You look very pretty today Miss Fabray" she said running her fingers through Quinn's hair moving it out of her eyes

"Why thank you, I call it the get-up-before-the-sun-to-make-it-to-my-best-friend s-house-for-when-she-wakes-up-on-her-birthday look"

Santana chuckled and Quinn playfully rolled her eyes and began digging in her bag

"I have something for you" she said bringing out a small velvet midnight blue box.

Santana looked at the box and then at her curiously

"When you were in hospital before Thanksgiving" Quinn started "I tried to tell you something, but it didn't work, and I was kinda being a chicken about it and things were kinda weird with you and Audrey and you were still crying yourself to sleep about Brittany, so I said nothing, but now, now everything has changed and I'm moving here after I graduate and I need to tell you"

Santana's eyes searched Quinn's face for answers

"tell me what?"

"That I love you Santana, I mean, I'm in love with you"

Santana felt her heart beat faster, trying to fight the corners of her mouth turning up into a smile as the words she heard Quinn say sunk in.

"That time we kissed I felt something I'd never felt before, and I knew I shouldn't but I couldn't help it, and I'm hopelessly in love with you, I'm so sorry this is shittley timed and not romantic but I honestly couldn't keep it from you any longer…"

"Q" Santana cut the blonde off leaning in close

"I love you" she said the three little words came out of her mouth without hesitation, it didn't feel like wrong, it felt perfect. Quinn froze, she couldn't move her eyes off Santana.

"Why do you look so shocked?" Santana asked with a laugh and kissed Quinn lightly on the lips

The stunned blonde sat in front of Santana and slipped the velvet box into Santana's hand.

"Open it" she said

Opening the box Santana found herself looking at a small silver ring with a heart on it.

"Quinn…"

"You take my breath away, Santana" Quinn said "I think you're perfect, and I always want to be there for you, I get that its complicated and you'll never love anyone as much as Brittany, but honestly I just want to be your person so that you'll never have to be alone ever again. I want to make you happy"

"You already make me happy Q" Santana said a tear falling down her cheek

"Don't cry, oh my god" Quinn pouted

"These are good tears I promise" Santana said wiping them away with a smile

"I'm going to wear this always, because you're my person, my amazing person" Santana said slipping the ring on her ring finger then looking at Quinn who raised an eyebrow

"Are you sure about that finger?" she asked

"You get it, Quinn, you get it and you get me" Santana smiled

"That's all I need"

Quinn smiled back her golden green eyes sparkled

"Have you seen Britt lately?" she asked

"No" Santana said "I've barely seen her at all, but I know she's there, she's always there"

Santana lay back down on her bed comfortably with her head in Quinn's lap

"And she loves you too" she added

"I guess it really is the Unholy Trinity for life" Quinn said with a smirk

* * *

><p>(might edit the ending later)<p>

((sorry it took so long))

xx


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